A Desperate Cry into the Vast Space of my own Insignificance

It's early admission application time at UBC this month. I have to get to work on it today because I don't have a whole lot of time before December 10, which is when it's due.

This is terrifying.

I am terrified.

Out of my mind.

I'm facing my entire future. I have to decide what I want to do, where I want to go and nobody will give me a straight answer when I ask for information or advice. All I hear all the time is "follow your dream/happiness". I'm 17. How the HELL am I supposed to know what my dream is, not to mention how to follow it?! People expect me to start being an adult, but I have no idea how to do that and nobody will tell me. How am I supposed to suddenly know how to be an adult without having ever been one before? How do I face the world and my life when I don't know what it looks like or where it is?



Another scary part of this is that I'm facing a change similar to the one that destroyed me a few years ago. Once again, I'm faced with leaving every comfort and everything I know and love behind and facing an entirely new life. This time, I'll be completely alone, without even my mother to guide me. I'm still not even out of the emotional wreckage of the last big move, and probably never will be, and now I have to move on again.

As ever, I am a mess of contradictions. I'm terrified of change, of moving on, of leaving things behind and of being forgotten. And yet I have one of the greatest escape/running away/avoidance instincts you'll ever encounter. When confronted with difficulty, struggle or emotion, I tend to run the other way like my life depends on it. And in those moments, it does seem like my life, my very being, depends on it. Depends on my ability to prevent damage, to preserve myself and shield myself from the world.

It's ironic that I'm starting to feel that way about my life currently. I'm very emotionally invested here, and there are a lot of things I find myself needing to escape from, to remove myself from. And yet, the way that I can escape requires me to face my future. I'm kind of stuck between two giant walls, and can't go sideways, and I'm panicking.

As much as I want to leave, though, there are some things here that I know I can't live without. I completely depend on certain things here, most significantly my three best friends. I know this for a fact. A little while ago, two of them were gone for a week, and I nearly imploded. I don't know what I would have done if Tee hadn't been there. I got anxious, stressed out and could actually barely function. Losing that support in 8 months is even harder to face than leaving Germany was when I was still there, because now I'm consciously aware of how much I rely on it and what losing it will do to me.




This song goes well with this post because I went to see Windmills in concert recently and when he played this song, I got overwhelmed with exactly the feelings that this post is about. Live music is incredibly powerful.

The illustrations on this post are photos by him and her.

Hit Me Like A Ton

A really, really nice thing about being an employed person is that you get paid. Luckily, that's not the only upside for me because my job is fabulous and wonderful, but it's a big plus. The nice thing about being paid is that as long as you don't waste it all on frivolous things, it builds up. Especially when you still live at home and don't have to worry about living costs or silly things like that yet.

What I'm trying to say is that I have money saved up. Quite a bit, actually, which means that I can actually consider buying a nice camera a realistic option! Especially with the Christmas season, which simultaneously blesses retail with glory and prosperity and also makes retail its bitch, coming I'll be able to afford something that nice. That really excites me, because I've wanted a really fancy camera for quite a while now.

My primary standards are that it has to take really nice still photos as well as really good HD video, because eventually I want to enter the world of YouTube, specifically vlogging. Or something like that. And I'm also getting really annoyed with the constant flow of grainy pictures whenever the natural light isn't precisely perfect for whatever camera I'm using in that moment. I'm at a really exciting time in my life, and I'm facing really big moments and milestones, and I want a good way of capturing all that.

My preference, right now, tends towards the Canon Powershot SX40. Whatever my camera ends up being, I definitely think it'll be a Canon. I've had Canons all my life, I understand them, I really like them, and based on my experience with my mother's camera, I really distrust or am just not comfortable with Nikon. That might be foolish, naive or stupidly biased, but I just really want to be very comfortable with my camera. That's very important to me. The alternative would be the Powershot SX50, which is a tiny bit nicer and quite a bit more pricey. They both have turn-around screens, which is important for me because of the vlogging thing and obviously the selfies that are apparently inevitable in high school. Geez, am I thinking about how best to facilitate people hi-jacking my fancy camera and taking weird pictures of themselves with duck faces? I am a troll-enabler.

For the SX40 (I've already become dangerously attached to it; I'm trying to fight the urge to internally refer to it as "baby") I'm thinking about Costco or BestBuy so far. I actually saw it on the display at Costco, and BestBuy has it for a very similar price. It's a wee bit higher at BB, but it also comes with a mini-tripod. Yikes, I'm shallow.

In other news, I found the perfect Christmas gift for my best friend today! I can't say what it is, though, because she's literally the ONLY person that reads this blog. Honestly, I think she'll flip for it. My mom agrees. I just hope nobody else gets her the same thing. Or, Heaven forbid, she gets it for herself. *runs into all local bookstores and hides all other copies* Oh darn, I gave away that it's a book. SHOCKER.

More geeky and exciting news will be forthcoming soon! I can't put everything in the same post or else I'll have nothing left to talk about later!

This post is brought to you by Spoon, because there was never really any question as to what song I would choose, was there?

Redefining Happiness and Truth

I knew it would only be a matter of time before this blog inevitably came back to books. We've just read Brave New World in English and now we're discussing it. It's one heck of a strange read, let me tell you, but there's a lot of interesting concepts that can be drawn from it. There's nothing like a strange, futuristic world that has nothing to do with you to make you reflect on your own situation.

A big topic of discussion in today's class was the concept of dystopia versus utopia. Of course, over all, to us, the novel is definitely dystopic. People are enslaved by their conditioning and their own contentment, meanwhile human nature is being systematically denied and controlled, and the entire world is run by 10 World Controllers. But to the majority of people in that world, is it really bad? If happiness is all we live for, why should they fight a government that serves to make them happy? Can they be truly happy if they don't know what it's like to not be happy? If all the factors for happiness are present, and they're told they're happy, are they actually happy? It's a mind-boggling concept. And of course, what makes truth? If we believe something to be true, does that make it a fact or only a belief? People believed the world was flat once, and accepted that to be true. And why shouldn't they? Who knows what humbug we believe today that future scholars will laugh at us for? Maybe the sky isn't blue. Who ever looked at the sky and said, "That's a nice colour, I'm going to call it B-L-U-E. Bloo. That sounds good." To be honest, "bloo" is a strange word. We believe our planet exists in a system of planets that rotates around a giant, burning, glowy orb, and yet most of us have no concrete proof of it. Sure, reliable scientists tell us there's proof out there, but we've never seen it for ourselves. We believe it because we've been raised to know it's true.

We found it very hard, in class, to separate ourselves as readers from the perspective of Brave New World's general population. To us, their world is an incomplete, machine-like place. But to them, there's nothing wrong with it. As individuals, they have a good life: They're happy, safe, entertained and healthy. It's only at the larger level that things start to get problematic, and the sacrifices, dangers and hypocrisy come to light. That's why Huxley's imagined government would be so effective: On a whole, they wouldn't have to control rebellion very much, because nobody would have any motivation to rebel. Of course, there are exceptions, but that's what the book is there for.

It's been an interesting topic, and book, to discuss. And it's only gonna get more crazy from here, kids.

Scruffy-lookin' Nerf Herder

It's NaNoWriMo Eve! Better known as Halloween, of course. Unfortunately, I have had to opt out of dong NANo this year... it makes me feel really bad that I gave up before I even started, but it's just not a reality for me this year. Heck, I haven't even had a single minute to do any planning, and it's not getting quieter around here any time soon. However, if I can, I do want to use it as motivation to write more. I really need to.

My Halloween costume for this year has to be one of my favourites. Out with the blonde (and the boobs), in with the brown, I'm Han Solo for a day! Alas, I have neither a Chewie nor a Leia, but fortunately my best friend dressed up as Vader and I have two other friends who dressed up as Luke and a Stormtrooper, respectively. It's great.

 I totally look this sexy today. Totally.

Tonight we're going to "Darth Vader"'s house and playing Assassin's Creed III. And when I say playing, I mean my friends will be playing and I'll be watching because I suck. At video games, that is.

Also, I'll be attempting to make cupcakes to bring! I hope I can get it together in time. If I can, they should look something like this:

The Cold Clouds my Judgment

Remember that time, not at all very long ago, that I said I needed to free up my schedule and get on top of things? Well,...

I mean, they say every person is a maze of contradictions, right? Although in my case, it seems that the largest contradiction is that I want to go to university and yet I'm apparently a moron.

I must be doing right, because this November I'll be facing two of my greatest fears: writing and stress. Writing itself isn't scary for me, I guess, but putting down a goal (and what a whopping goal it is, Heaven help me), coming up with an idea and then writing it down in its entirety, petrifies me. You guessed it, folks: I'm attempting NaNoWriMo.

Why, why, WHYYYYY???!! I already don't have any time, how on Earth do I expect to do this?

My plan for this adventure: Cut out all TV except Castle and OUAT. Catch up on others over winter break. Cut down tumblr, only allowing enough for avoiding withdrawal. Write for an hour a day during the week. Write all afternoon on Saturdays. Do nothing but write on Sundays. Write as close as possible to 10,000 words on Sundays. Do not write at all on days that we have a show. Do not write on Fridays (I work). Do any homework possible during spares. If done homework in spares, write. Abolish social life. Do not worry about quality or even coherency. Take at least half an hour of free time to do absolutely nothing every day. Take breaks when writing: Hourly, between 5 and 15 minutes each, use these to fulfill basic human needs. Do not sacrifice anything in my life (responsibilities, relationships, etc.) for this. Survive, somehow.

Now, to come up with what the heck I want to write about...

Picture credit goes here, via this blog.

Leaping to a Thousand Fires

Recently, I've been struggling to keep up with things. There always seems to be something else that needs doing, more work I haven't finished yet. I have a list of 5 books that I need to read, two of them are library books, one is for class and another is my best friend's. In fact, the only book I own is the one I'm reading right now and really don't need to be putting first: The Diviners. But alas! I have practically no time to read! When I'm not at rehearsal (which is just sitting around being bored, really, but I need to be there) I have homework, and when I'm done with that I need to clean up the mess that continues to pile up, and after that I need to catch up on the sleep I'm missing.

The problem here, of course, is that what I'm doing is trying to stay on top of things. I'm putting out fires. I'm getting assignments done the night before they're due and I'm only managing to clear enough stuff out of my room so that I can see my floor. There's a constant queue of things ahead of me on my to-do list and I feel like I'm always forgetting yet another thing that should be on that list. Sometimes, I do forget. Within the past one and a half weeks, I've had my dad come to pick me up twice, only to drive straight back home because I forgot to tell him I wasn't going somewhere. It's those kinds of little things that just keep slipping through my grasp, and it's frustrating, because I feel bad (because it's affecting other people and/or it's not being done) and because I'm scared that one of these days, what I forget about will be something huge and devastatingly major. And especially this year, I can't afford for anything like that to happen.

Speaking of which, that's my other problem. In being consumed by the mundane, immediate things, I don't have any energy or time left for bigger things, like keeping track of scholarship deadlines and university application dates. This year I need to be thinking about my future, but how can I do that when all I'm able to do is face one week at a time? I can't build a bridge while putting out fires.

In a rare bout of screw-everything-I-need-time-to-not-do-anything recently, I watched Moulin Rouge! and LOVED it. It's fantastically done all around, but I must say this was my absolute favourite part:

The arrangement is perfect, the singing is awesome, the acting is heartbreaking, and the staging is spectacular. As the movie's climax, it's many people's favourite. It just blows my mind. And Jacek Koman's powerful, gravelly voice is wonderful and really perfect in this. It could never have been as good without his singing. Plus Ewan McGregor is a babe. But everyone already knew that.

I'm thinking of putting music at the end of my posts more often. It's fun. This one is a video because it's equally stunning visually as it is in terms of music.

My, was I surprised

I got the giant project done! Well, at least for now. Mind you, I did work until 2 am the night before it was due. But in my defense I had a really full schedule earlier this week. Still do, actually.

But it's done! It's a GIANT weight off my shoulders, and now all I need to do is get a reference letter, a career interview and make the whole thing look nice in time for the presentation, which is in November.

Now, of course, I have to move on to other things! I have way too much too read, as ever, and I need to get on some scholarship applications. Also, I need to contact the director of the Theatre Royale in Barkerville. I was going to contact him about auditioning for next summer, but unfortunately I believe I'm going to have to change my reason for contacting him to letting him know I won't be able to do it this year, because as far as I can tell, rehearsals start before I graduate. Hopefully I'll be able to do it when I'm at university next year though, because my school year will have ended sooner.

Ah, I do love Fridays. Well, okay, I don't love today, because it's really busy and it didn't start out well, but I love the fact that it's Friday and the fact that it being Friday means that the weekend is nearly nigh! I'm really looking forward to this weekend, because I'm going windowshopping with Tee tomorrow morning, and then my mom and I are going to a fancy resort for the weekend. There's spa stuff and nice things there. It's hella expensive, but it's been my mom's idea from the get-go and I've warned her about that fact multiple times, so I'm absolving myself of responsibility.

One wonderful thing that happened today was that Libba Bray tweeted to me today!!!!!!!! AAAAHHH I CAN'T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT I APOLOGIZE FOR BLATANT IMMATURE FANGIRLING BUT I'M NOT SORRY! I actually couldn't contained myself this morning when I saw it. I'm going to blame my excitement about this for my being 20 minutes late to class this morning, because "I missed the 10 o'clock bus for no reason" is just too pathetic to admit.

"she says, HOPEFULLY" HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS MY IDOL WAS HOPEFUL ABOUT ME BEING THERE OR SOMETHING I LITERALLY CANNOT

Also I'd like to mention that we share the same favourite swearword. It was my favourite even before Beauty Queens and before I figured out it was her favourite but then those things just solidified my preference. I mean, that's a really weird and kind of pathetic thing to have in common with your hero but it's a really great word and also it's not the only thing about her that I identify with.
(the word is shit)

And I will leave you now with one of the greatest songs I know.

There is a story behind this. Not a story as to how I discovered the song, or the wonderful, miraculous band (it started with Tap Tap Revenge a few years ago and it's just been a beautiful love affair since then), but a story of now, and why I thought of this particular song today.

In English, we're discussing Brave New World and genetic modification was mentioned. My best friend, who sits beside me, prompted me about this song (we've both been obsessed for a long time). All their music is mindblowing and perfect and makes me really happy. Especially this song. It's wonderful, because it takes the concept of artificial alteration, and all its serious connotations, and sort of treats it very concisely, eloquently and with a sort of semi-comical removedness that's very refreshing. At the same time, it's extremely intimate, relevant and emotional. It just beautiful, intense, holy-crap-inducing stuff. (this post's title is a lyric from this song)

I Should Be Sleeping, Or Working

So. It's almost 1 am and I work this morning. I make good choices. Luckily my shift starts at 11, so I can afford to stay up a little while longer, just long enough to write this post.

I was in Vancouver over the weekend. It was really nice and fun to be there, especially since I intend to make it my home in less than a year (yikes). We did a lot, and my mom even consented to go shopping. She actually bought stuff for herself. A lot of stuff. Of course, I had my mandatory visit at Zelen, and got a pair of sneakers. I also got a pair of boots, and a bunch of other things I needed. I do so love fall. Downtown Vancouver is lovely, and I love the kinds of people you see there. The biggest problem is that you'll never be as stylish as the asian people who hang out there. It's true; they're all fabulous.

Today yesterday, we went trail riding for an hour. I really liked being on a horse. It comes naturally to me somehow, but much as I'd love to I can't regularly ride. After that, we went to see my cousin's softball game. Soon thereafter I had to get on the plane and head home. My mom is staying down at the Coast the whole week, but I had to head back last night already because I work today. And then, you know, school. Whatever.

The big giant elephant-in-the-room-that-is-my-mind problem is that I got practically nothing done on my big grad project. I brought my laptop down with me and everything, and I really did try, but I think I wrote maybe two paragraphs. I hate my work ethic, or rather lack thereof. There's no way I'm going to get it done by Wednesday, especially because today and Tuesday are already full anyway. I just really hope my teacher expects some of them to be late. I mean, it's ridiculous that he's expecting it to be handed in now, when the actual presentation is sometime in November. I'll probably try and do as much as possible tonight (monday evening), even though I have Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's to go to (yaaaaay...). Sleep is for the weak, as they say. And by they, I mean I. I say that. A lot.

Man, if I had the time and somebody to take pictures of me without thinking I'm loony, I would totally do some sort of style post with some of the clothes I've gotten recently. #amateurbloggerproblems

God, I wish it was a year from now, with me at University and grad over and done with.

Expect more bloggy things later this week, when I actually have time to write about some stuff I actually want to write about. Philosophical, think-y stuff. It all depends on how quickly I can get my work done. And how distracted I get. But I'll try to restrict that last one.

Lullaby For An Anxious Child

It would seem that today is an anxious day. I get these every once in a while. They're days where everything seems doomed and I question everything: My situation, my achievements, my life goals, the way I look. Usually I manage to lie to myself enough to mask those doubts (Oh yeah, sure, going into theatre is a great plan! You can do it! Leaving this really long project to a week before it's due is fiiine. No, you're not overloading yourself with work, you have GREAT work ethic, you can do it all. Oh no, you can totally go to school with barely any makeup, your skin doesn't look that bad. It's just because you haven't found the right guy, they're all immature douchebags anyway...), but on days like this, it just seems like the world is going to come crashing down around me. Because, I might as well face it, I'm graduating, and when I graduate, the world pretty much is going to come crashing down. I'll be responsible for my own future, even though I don't even want to face it and it terrifies me. I'll have to fend for my own in life, and nobody's really going to be right there to care about me or for me. The people who will care will have enough of their own problems to deal with. I really do hope I can go to Vancouver with Tee next school year, but she's going to have her own issues to deal with when we're there.

And good God! It's October! There's so much that needs doing! I have a big project due on the 10th that's about exactly this, actually, except I have to pretend that I know how my future is going to fall into place. I have to work on my Halloween costume and there's only a month and a half before the opening night of the Secret in the Wings. Scholarship applications are due, and some Universities are already saying you need to apply! I need to get forms signed by my boss. I have to deal with obliterating a crush I have on a friend I barely see anymore.

And then there's Em, my best friend, with a shining future ahead of her! She knows exactly where she wants to go, and she will go there, because she's ridiculously good and dedicated to her schoolwork and because she can go there with a speed skating scholarship, or at least speed skate at the same time. She's taking a bajillion courses, is reading Mein Kampf for crying out loud, trains something like twice a day and somehow still has a functioning social life. And here I am, Lazy McSlothPants, who can barely talk to strangers, especially male ones, who has no idea how she's ever going to make it in the world. And somehow we're friends.

My other two best friends might not be as ridiculously hard-working as Em. But Tee knows that she wants to go into filmmaking, the side of it that actually pays and has some job stability, and she knows what school she wants to go to. She's really studious and gets stuff done. (I know you're reading this. It's true. As far as I know, you also don't have ridiculous crushes on boys who don't look at you twice.) And Kendra is going into psychology. And I know she'll make it, because she somehow always does.

Somehow I've already let myself slack off again. At the beginning of the year I was extremely gung-ho and determined not to let anything come in the way of doing the best I can. Somehow that focus has shifted again. But it's my last chance, and I need to get myself back on track. So you might see some more evidence of me trying to do that from now on.

Long-term, I'm seriously considering dropping out of grad council. I won't have time to help out with the events they're responsible for and my biggest incentive for staying is that it might look good on applications for University or for scholarships. But it's really not all that important and I need to focus on other things. I also need to think about going on a sort-of hiatus from tumblr for a while, or at least put some strict limitations on how much I use it. I'll miss it like crazy, but it's too much of a distraction and I'll still be using it a little. I've also thought about quitting Orchestra, but I just can't face that.

This week, I need to spend my free time doing any homework I have (prioritized by how soon it's due) and when I'm done that, work on my big project and/or apply to scholarships. When I'm satisfyingly done those things, I have to clean up my room, most specifically my clothes. And when I've done all those things, I can spend my time reading, blogging or doing something active. I can only spend 15 minutes at a time on tumblr, with a total of an hour a day. The exception to these restrictions is when there's a new episode of specific shows on (Castle, Downton Abbey, Once Upon A Time... That's it. I was going to say Doctor Who but that's over, waaaaahhhh).

A Jungle of Words and Stories

In my last English class, we were asked to write a paragraph about what makes a good book. Fantastic!, I thought, I have all these feelings about books! The only problem was, of course, tht I was restricted by formal language and it having to be a single paragraph. And, you know, it would be a bit awkward to happy-rant about awesome book things on a document I had to hand in to my teacher. But here, I can do whatever I want! I can disregard all of society's expectations and restrictions! Of course, I choose to use this freedom to talk about books. (not rebellious enough? Ok: oogeli-poop. There you go. I wouldn't put that on an essay. Satisfied?)

Because I work in a bookstore, I have a pretty good idea of what books are good and what qualifies a book as being good. I also know that there are vastly different opinions on this front. So let me change that to "I have a pretty good idea of what books most people consider good and what usually qualifies a book as being popularly thought of as good or worthwhile." (That sentence had more political correctness in it than everything I've written this schoolyear put together) There's a very palpable difference between people saying "Oh, yeah, that was a good book, I enjoyed it," and the reaction of "Oh my God, that book was so fantastic! I loved it, it was great!" And then there's the books that don't even get a verbal reaction, more of a slight grimace and a "Yeeeaahh... it was... all right." The good books are usually the ones that sell steadily, the ones people have heard of and of which we usually have at least one copy in the store. The great books are the ones everyone has heard of, that people have heard fantastic things about, the books of which we have a gazillion copies, so many that even after filling their space on the shelf and the bestseller display, we still have so many copies to put away that we have no idea what to do with them all. And the bad books... well, you can just talk to a bookseller, and they'll get a knowing glint in their eye, even while saying, "Oh, they're not that bad, if that's your kind of thing." You can't say that bookstore workers don't try to justify literature. But, you know, you don't want to have to justify it.

But honestly, let's think about what a good book should be about, what most people hold important in a good book. For most people, that factor is entertainment. (for the purpose of this blogpost, I'm excluding things like textbooks or dictionaries or inspirational books. Chicken Soup For The Soul or The Four Agreements don't have to be entertaining, but they're still good. The Secret is, however, entertaining in its concept. But then I don't know how good it is, because I've never wanted to read it) Whether stories hold deep meaning or morals, they still need to entertain and captivate the reader in order for the reader to be interested. Something is interesting = you're interested. Duh. Nobody's going to care about a book if it's not intriguing or relevant to them. And they're also not going to enjoy reading it.

I'm not even going to belabour how important good writing is in a good book, because it's pretty straightforward: You write poorly, your book's not going to be very good. Before you say anything, ladies and gentlemen, 50 Shades and Twilight are POPULAR. They're not widely considered to be GOOD. Sometimes consumer society is moronic. Look at reality television.

Now, I don't have the magic formula or exact definition of what makes a book great and sets it apart from books that are simply good. That issue is too complex, individual and dependent on specific people's preferences to be concluded with a definite answer. But from what I've seen, and what I've experienced myself, is that truly great books give us something to connect with. They're relevant to life and humanity, they can make valid and true observations about the world we live in, and they can make us think.

But it's really all an adventure! The only way you're going to find out if a book is good or great or terrible is if you read it. Because everybody's definition of those categories is completely different, be it because of standards, or preferences or just plain old I-like-it-ness. That's what's so fantastic about books.

I Do My Work With My Flapper On

My queen/hero/idol has returned to me! Libba Bray's new book, The Diviners came out last tuesday, and of course I picked it up at work as soon as possible (I'd been anticipating the date for ages). In fact, I came to the store before they'd even properly received it. But it was there, and that's all that's important.

I haven't finished it yet (there's simply not enough time in my life these days) but I'm about halfway through. It's exciting, and a lot creepier than her last adventure in historical fiction (I'm talking about the Gemma Doyle Trilogy, you peasants). I'm realizing that her writing style and approach to stories is very much suited to a murder mystery. Particularly when the murder involves strange rituals, a demonic psychopath killer, and the Occult. It's all sorts of awesome, and I can't wait to see how it ends, not only because I want to figure out what happens, but because I know she's going to somehow turn it around and bend my mind into strange formations. Because that's classic Libba Bray. It's just how she rolls.

At the same time, I want it to draw out forever, because it's been so long since I had new Libba Bray material to read. There's something about her writing and the way her brain works that just makes me super happy. She just gets it. Countless times, I've read something she's written and realize she's put exactly what I feel into words. The most brilliant, beautiful, elegant, sharp words that I could never have come up with. Basically, she's everything I want to be in life. No big deal.

As ever, I have a long list of books I want to read once I'm done with Diviners. I was attempting to read Kate Chopin's The Awakening (at the recommendation of my best friend aka flawless feminist badass) before I was interrupted by Diviners, so I'll return to that first. I also recently saw a really interesting-looking book at work, Michael Poore's Up Jumps The Devil, so I'll be looking in to that. Other than those, my priority books to read are probably going to be Watchmen, Perks of Being a Wallflower, House of Leaves, rereading The Hobbit, and maybe possibly some of the stuff overcrowding my bookshelf. I work in a bookstore, for heavens sake; I am in constant frustration over the fact that I can't read all the books I see at work (Ok, maybe not ALL of them... I'm looking at you, 50 Shades. Looking at you through eyes squinted with suspicion and judgment).

I'm thinking I'll probably make another post once I'm finished this book. Remembering my past experiences, I'm guessing it'll be a lot of fangirling and squealing.

Storytime: The Six Swans

Because of theatre, I've had a lot of occasion to think about or look up fairy tales recently. Specifically Grimm ones, which makes me happy for the sake of my heritage and childhood. Best part is, contrary to Disney-popular-belief-control, fairy tales are not all happiness and rainbows. In fact, their original versions are usually really gruesome. Why is this the best part, you ask? Because it's awesome. Culture is awesome. Folklore is awesome. Innocent people being almost put to death, then rescued and replaced with the evil culprit is awesome. And let's just admit it, a bit of blood and gore is super awesome. It's like a horror movie, minus the movie.

Because of this, I've decided that I would like to occasionally put up a post about fairy tales. There are a LOT of tales most people have never even heard of, and I think it would be really cool to retell some of those. Of course, they're really accessible anyway, you just have to Google them, but I figured it could be fun anyway. At least, or especially, for me. So! We begin with the story of the six swans, since I recently researched that one a bit for company.

There was a king who went hunting in the forest. He was really excited about hunting a boar, so he rode ahead of everybody and nobody could keep up. After a while of riding after this boar all alone, he got lost (it was a giant forest and he was alone, so this makes sense. They didn't have GPS back then). He happened to meet an old creepy woman, who of course was actually a witch. She promised to lead him out of the wood, but only if he married her daughter. Her daughter was beautiful but she gave the king the creeps. Cause, you know, she WAS a witch's daughter. And she was evil.

So the king brought his new queen to his castle, but he was scared that she'd somehow hurt his children (he'd already been married once). So he hid them in a castle in the woods somewhere, but it was really difficult to find it, so the king got a magical ball of yarn that showed him the way when he strung it out (again, no GPS). But after a while his wife got suspicious of the fact that the king was spending so much time in the woods (this is reasonable; if your husband spends most of his day, every day, wandering in the woods, you should probably be a little concerned). So she bribed his servants and they told her about the children and the ball of yarn. So she found out where the ball of yarn was, and she made little shirts with charms sewn into them. When the king went hunting one day, she followed the yarn to the children's castle. Thinking it was their father, the six sons raced down to meet her, but when they came up to her, she threw the shirts on them and turned them into swans. (Ok, transforming your stepchildren: not so reasonable.)

When the king came by the next day, only his single daughter remained. He didn't think it was his wife that had cursed his sons, and he didn't want to lose his daughter, too, so he wanted to take her back home with him. But she was scared of her stepmother and asked to stay one more night. Her dad agreed and she ran away in the night. Into the forest. Because when you're scared and alone in the dark, the forest is exactly the kind of place you want to be.

She walked all night and all day without stopping, trying to find her brothers. At the end of the day, she was super tired (duh) and hid in a robber's hut (again, the safest possible place to be). Right before sunset, six swans landed in the robber's hut, blew on each other and turned into boys. Of course it was her brothers, because how many groups of six swan-man hybrids could there be fluttering around this forest? Everybody was glad to see each other, but the boys told her that they could only be human for about 15 minutes each night. They also told her that if she wanted to break the curse, she wouldn't be allowed to speak for six years and she had to make each of them a shirt of starwort. (I will never understand how cursed characters always know the key to lifting their curse. Is there an instruction manual for being transformed by your evil stepmother? Lifting Powerful Curses for Dummies? So You've Been Turned Into A Bird, 1165 Edition?)

The daughter decided to break the curse, or die trying (there's no half-assing anything in Fairytale-land). She sat down by a tree and began making shirts (starwort is a very small flower. Don't ask me how you would go about making shirts out of it). The king of another country found her there, and brought her to his castle. He liked her, so they got married. But his mother didn't like her. After a year, when the young queen had her first child, the king's mother took the baby and put blood on the queen's mouth, then declared her to be a cannibal to the king. The queen couldn't say a word in her defense, but the king wouldn't believe his wife could do such a thing (awe, true love). The mother did this with all three children the queen had, and after the third son had been "eaten", the king had no choice but to have his wife burned (this is why we now have marriage counseling. Although, I guess even that won't help if you can't speak).

The day the queen was to burn happened to be the last day of her six years of silence, so she brought the shirts she'd made along to the stake. They were all done, except the last one, which had no left sleeve. Right before the fire was lit, her swan-brothers came flying by and she threw the shirts on them. The youngest brother still had one swan-wing for an arm, but we don't find out what happens to him. He just has a swan arm. Everybody hugged, and the queen went up to her husband and declared her innocence. The kids they'd had together were brought to them (from the evil mother's Dingy Storage Room Of Children, I guess) and they burned his mom at the stake instead of the queen.

And the King and Queen and her brothers lived happily till the end of their years. We're not sure about the youngest one, though. I imagine he wasn't quite as happy as everyone else.

On a related note, something exciting is happening! I might very possibly be playing the daughter from this story in our play. If not, I'll be playing the king's evil mother. So that's fun!
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The Life They've Set For Me to Live

Life can be frustrating. Society, especially when you're young, tries to dictate your path in life as a very narrow road that must be taken at maximum speed and best possible precision. "When you graduate, you must become an adult immediately and get an education and then a job and then become successful. It wouldn't be politically correct anymore to tell you that you should also have a big happy family at the same time, but when you get there you'll naturally want to do so, everybody does. And you must choose a sensible profession that benefits society and makes you lots of money otherwise you will be a homeless loser bum who will never be happy."

Sometimes, it makes me want to just run away from it all. Maybe the homeless loser bums are happier for not having the worries of normal, employed, home-owning people. They don't have to struggle with getting enough money to fund their ridiculously expensive education. They've made their peace with simply not having any money. Of course, living on the street is in no way a pleasant experience.

But, honestly, graduation is already starting to terrify me (it's just the second weekend!!!!). I've always had school in my life, I have no experience living in a world where my purpose isn't going to school. After this year, my purpose will have to be being able to go to school, and after that it will be slaving to scrape together a living. And by a living I mean maybe lunch money. (I want to be a writer or actor. I mean come on.)

But I really do sometimes want to just abandon all that thinking and make my own success somehow. This is why I wish with a burning passion that I could be a professional vlogger on YouTube or be on webshows or be a successful blogger (hahaHAHAAA...ha). I wish I could just do something I love passionately as a career. But the thing about all three of those crazy dreams is that it takes a lot of time to build up a reputation or break out. Time which I already have limited amounts of, and will have even less once I graduate and have to go out in life.

That, actually is one of the many reasons I started this blog. Because maybe, just maybe, I could someday establish a sort of online presence and through that possibly attain opportunities to do things I love more often and more conveniently or realistically. For now, this is just a casual thing that benefits no one but myself, but maybe at some point my blog could turn into something more. And so that's why I'm going to try to create as good a level of content as I can. At this point, of course, it's moot, because I have virtually no readers, and the kind of things I want to do are really meant for a larger audience, but, you know, someday. Maybe. For now, it's fun to pretend.

This blog post had no real purpose, structure or focus. My inner rigorously trained essay writer is dying a slow and painful death. Maybe in the future I should actually get my thoughts straightened out and the write the post all in one go. Ha. I crack myself up.

But today, it's time to hang out with my best friend! (and only reader...) We have loads of shenanigans planned intended, and some of those are bloggable! So there might be some pictures later on... although I'm not sure of what. Probably baking.

To Believe in Something Worth the Fight

So the past little while (what has it been, like 48 hours?) has not been the most fun. You know, obviously they could be a lot worse, but I'm not exactly having the time of my life either.

After my last post, I basically spent the afternoon alternately dealing with my feelings and droning them out (besides watching terrible TV, blasting Marina and the Diamonds and playing solitaire is an excellent way to do this). I talked to my best friend and another really good friend about it and since then have been largely ignoring the issue in order to get over it. Because getting over it is really the only option, unfortunately.

The next morning was also not great. I thought I had a free period first thing in the morning, so my alarm was set to go off a bit later than usual anyway. Because of this, I woke up to a text from my best friend (the one I mentioned before... I have three) saying I'd already missed 15 minutes of chamber choir and I needed to get there ASAP or I would be out. Here's the problem: I had no idea we were having a meeting that morning. In fact, I didn't even know whether I was in or not until she texted me that I was missing it. So yesterday morning was interesting. After running around and begging my mom to drive me as soon as possible, I did finally get to the music room... but by that time I was 45 minutes late. Luckily, my teacher forgave me when I explained what happened. I have her for orchestra as well, so she already knows me.

That evening, we had a Rangers meeting which went downhill. Suffice it to say there was a discussion which entailed confusion, anger and resentful undertones. This was strange because nothing like it had ever happened before (even though us teenage girls have been having meetings for 4 years now...) and because I didn't know the context of the issue. Anyway, that was unpleasant.

But today was a little better! Well, in hindsight, anyway. Besides my alarm not going off in the morning and then having pain issues during the day, I had a really nice afternoon! Again, some blasting Marina and solitaire (less about distraction this time) but also some hanging out with my friend, baking cookies, and mocking Glee together. That show really is ridiculously transparent.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Sleeping in, 1984 discussion in English, work... Good things are in store. Now I just have to pray that life doesn't screw it up again.
(post title from Lies by Marina and the Diamonds)

What does a student of Literature look like?

Well, they wear knee socks, pleated skirts or ironed trousers, crisp, clean shirts and Tommy Hilfiger sweaters. If wanting to accessorize, they can only wear ties.

No, wait… that’s not right. That just calls to mind an extremely conservative boarding-school student whose father plays golf. That is not the kind of student that you’d want in your lit class. I mean, I’ve had 5 classes so far and half our time has been spent considering existentialism and human nature. That might frighten the tweed-jacketed sheep.

In all seriousness, that’s not even what the question is asking. And if you’re wondering, I was asked this question. We had to answer it on our first or second day of Lit, along with other questions. (What is literature? How/Why does literature appear? What is “good” literature? What value does literature have? If these pique your interest, have at it in the comments!) To answer this question, I tried to draw on my own strengths, interests and ~ideals and also on what it was that made me interested in taking literature and what I think will help me in my studies.

So what was my answer? Well, for one, it was kind of long. But at the same time, I listed my criteria and didn’t really elaborate or explain. So that’s what I shall do now.

A student of literature wants to read. This seems pretty self-explanatory, but it goes deeper than just that. Wanting to read includes learning about reading. This is not to say grade 12 students headed out into the world need to be taught how to read, Heaven forbid. What I mean is that lit students should want to be informed about all the books worth reading that they can get their hands and time (let’s face it, that’s the biggest hurdle) on. There are so many good books and stories and poems and movies out there! Really, if you’re interested in literature, you should want to consume and learn more about as many of these as possible. Learning about reading also means learning about how to read better, notice more things, draw connections, recognize symbolism and references. Every now and then, when reading the work of a really good writer, I go “holy crap, there’s so much here! Every sentence, every word, is infused with meaning!” Analyzing writing and noticing ideas is essential to studying literature, so obviously a lit student has to be interested and open to it.

In a classroom, a lit student has to be open to and curious about ideas and opinions. You'll never learn very much if you don't engage in discussion with others and are willing to consider their ideas, point of view, and perspective.

Also, everybody has those books or parts of literature that they're not interested in. But you know what? They're important, too. Because while you're not paying attention, there may be an important concept that is important later, like in other books or works. And who knows? Maybe you'll find something interesting in all that boring stuff, after all! Either way, disinterest is not worth slacking off over. If somebody considered it relevant enough to assign, it's probably at least a bit important.

You know what takes a lot of time? Like, A LOT? Reading. SO if you're in this, you have to put time and effort towards it. Don't skip over stuff, don't sparknote books. Well, not instead of reading. Researching books once you've read them, however, can be very helpful.

And the last point I put down was being respectful. That means being respectful towards other people and their opinions, the stories and works you're reading, and the materials you're using. (Most of the time the books you're using aren't yours. Don't break them. My inner bibliophile would cry and possibly punch you. So would your librarian.)

I do think there is other criteria, but this is mine. I'd like to mention that I do have passions beside books, so stay tuned for those things! In fact, I have my first theatre company meeting of the schoolyear tomorrow, so I'll probably be squealing about that. New year, new teacher, new cast, new plays... It should be interesting. There's a lot of variables, but we usually seem to figure things out.

The Dangerous Girl in the Sweater Vest

School is back in! And because apparently I don't have enough on my hands during my grad year (!), I've decided to start a blog. I'd like to think I'll be more dedicated this time as opposed to my previous attempts, especially since I've got quite a few ideas! I'm thinking deep thoughts about literature, people! High School angst! No, seriously, I have actual ideas. I'm just waiting for them to develop into coherent thoughts.

The only problem is that I do have quite a lot on my plate: Homework, trying to get into uni, scholarship applications, my job (at a bookstore, yes, it's fantastic), the school theatre company (expect reports on this later on), orchestra, probably choir and also the fact that I'm gradding this year and my life is already pretty hectic just one week into school. The good news is that I have a free period every day, so when I don't have homework I'm hoping to be able to dedicate time to this. I even got a laptop-friendly backpack this year! I really like our school library so I'm really just dying to have another excuse to spend even more time there... But seriously, I actually do enjoy being there. It's my inner bibliophile that forces me to be happy in spaces with lots of books and knowledge. (Again, I really love my job)

But yes! I believe perhaps I should mention something about myself. Um. I'm terrible at this.

I suppose I could start with some facts: I'm in my last year of high school. My hair is blonde and extremely short because I shaved it for cancer research in the spring. I play the violin. I... ack. I really am terrible at this.

Well, OK. Let's talk about this blog, and, connected to that, my life this year. I'm in a literature class this year, and it's fascinating, so I'll be talking about that quite a bit. You know, drawing on some course work as inspiration for stuff to talk about. My teacher for that class is also really cool, so you might hear about him as well.

In fact, I'll talk a bit about him now. Mr. M is a half-bald originally Italian guy who teaches English, literature and History of Rock 'n' Roll at our school. He talks A LOT. As in, he continuously spoke our entire first class this year. And I mean CONTINUOUSLY. It was a monologue. But he also has some very interesting things to say in between those words, so I don't mind. I could listen to interesting people all day.

On Friday, I hadn't finished my essay by the end of the class and asked him if I could take it home over the weekend. He said it was fine and I made a joke about how I would have easily done it if it had been to pages of normal paper instead of the foolscap he gave use. He chuckled and said "I can see you're a bit of a rebel. I like it." Awesome! I mean, when the History of Rock 'n' Roll teacher tells you you're a rebel, you're doing something right. I was wearing a collared shirt, a floral skirt and a knit vest at the time.

So, I suppose, since I'm introducing myself, that's how I'd like to think of myself: a dangerous girl in a sweater vest.

And since I have nothing else to say, have three lovely people being lovely:

(if anybody has tips on posting/using gifs on Blogger, feel free to share.)

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