I'm not feeling very happy right now.
My first year of university has just ended, and honestly, looking back, it feels like a waste, a giant mistake. Of course I've had great times and made wonderful friends, but right now it feels like even the best parts only make the whole more bearable.
I didn't get anything I wanted. And the worst part is that I know that in both cases, the fault is entirely mine. Both things I wanted - and boy did I want them, more than anything I've ever wanted before except to go home - I missed out on because I didn't recognize my chances when they arose, and I didn't take them enough. All my regret is the result of my own inaction. So that adds an extra layer of self-loathing.
I'm experiencing that very familiar feeling: I feel like I'm at the really bad part of a nightmare, where everything has gone wrong, and I'm so lost and desperate; the good thing about nightmares is when it gets really bad, I can jerk myself awake and the mistakes and horrors are erased - and I learn my lesson. I wish I could turn back time and redo this whole year, knowing what I did wrong, or what I just didn't do. It's a familiar feeling - I've wished for something similar since 2007, when we moved to Canada.
But this isn't a dream. So how do you move on? What do you do when you wake up in the morning?
I spent a year at university just getting by and have come out of it with practically nothing. I can't pursue my dream, not here, not yet. I can't share my love and happiness and passion with the wonderful person with whom I wish I could. And I want to come back here, I really do, because this place feels something like home and I could make it so, but how can I live day to day in a place where I'll be reminded every day of my failure, of the things I could have had, but don't?
You can see why I kind of gave up on my university advice videos. I'm the last person who should be talking about that stuff.
The advice I can give is this: Say yes. Do everything. Do it as hard and as well as you can. Never settle for enough. The scarier, the better. If you think you might regret something, that is the thing most worth doing. You'll never regret doing something as much as you'll regret not doing it. Take life by the throat, shake it, and make it yours.
I know that now.
