Dealing With Things Is Hard

I'm leaving campus, and the island, far behind me on Tuesday, at least for a few weeks. That includes dealing with schoolwork, thinking about next semester, and my interminable crush. All those things will be out of sight, and therefore hopefully out of mind. But until then, I'm still stuck here for a bit.

And, of course, leaving behind one side of my reality doesn't mean that the world stops being real. Once I'm back at "home", I have to look into what options I have open to me next year, in case I don't want to stay here, which is certainly a possibility. I mean, I love most things about being here, but between my pathetic infatuation, anxiety about what I'm doing with my future, and not even knowing if I'll be able to study acting specifically, my running instinct is in high gear. I came here to run away from my past, from High School and from a city I didn't want to live in. Right now I'm feeling the urge to run away again, but I have no idea what to, and I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's just Cabin Fever. I haven't left the city for a month, and mostly I'm stuck on campus. I'm very ready to get away and spend some time with my closest friends. Maybe when I come back in January, I'll feel better. I'll have to, because I'll be having rehearsals on the weekends so it's looking bad for taking any weekends off all spring. So I'll either have to find some other way to fight the claustrophobia, or become suddenly a lot more contented with my everyday life. Or maybe my second semester will be easier than my first because I'll have had time to get used to things?

One thing I can hold on to is that my best friend Kendra are intending to actually do music things. If it wasn't so unrealistic and difficult, I would drop everything, we would make music together and go on the road to play it for people. But for now, I have to finish at least this second semester, and then we'll be devoting the summer to songwriting and music making. Who knows how that will turn out, but at the very least it'll be fun.

Really I just want to be cool and hip and work as an actor and make music on the side and make videos and have enough money to actually have a nice wardrobe. And travel lots.

So, you know, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

This post is brought to you by Mystery Jets (not really), because this song is so lovely, because it's from my all-time favourite Songza playlist, and because I want Laura Marling's super cool voice.

More comprehensive, life-update-y post coming soon. Apologies to the zero people who read this blog for my extended absence.

The Power of Now

I'm starting to really appreciate real life.

It's incredibly refreshing to think of the fact that I can do pretty much anything I want to do. FOr instance, there's a post on tumblr that says something along the lines of "I just want to walk across a field in slow-motion to the pentatonix remix of Imagine Dragons' Radioactive". And it's amazing to think that I can grab my best friend and a camera, and we can find a field and do that. (Tee, it's totally happening.)

I can do all the weird stuff they do in movies. I can get hella wasted at some party in university and suffer the consequences with a wicked hangover the next morning, wondering if my stupidity was worth it.

I can come up with an idea and write a novel, even if it never gets published. I could team up with somebody and write a webcomic or even a comic book.

I could learn to sew. I could cosplay a million things and recreate movie scenes in silly little videos. (This is honestly half the reason I started my YouTube channel.)

I could pack everything up and go see the world on a whim. I could move back home and learn a profession. I could move to a different country where I barely know the language and struggle to communicate let alone make a living.

Life is real, man.

And that's amazing.

Real Talk

It's all getting very real around here.

I've graduated high school. I got two awards worth $500 each and I got my bilingual diploma (French immersion, bro). I had my Grad, with fancy gowns and a limo and too much champagne on an empty stomach. We barrelled through the awkward "this is so cliché" phase, threw aloof hipsterness to the wind and danced our hearts out until we couldn't breathe. It was beautiful, and it was the last time I saw most people in my grad class, and the last time all my friends and I were together. Ever. That's the scary part.

I'm just very used to all of us being in the same place all the time. And there's that safety net of "we'll all be back for holidays" to save you from having to address the fact that you're no longer going to see the people closest to you on a daily basis any more. Which is especially hard because we established a lunchtime routine this past year. It was mostly unspoken and that's what our group friendship was based on and relied on.

But I was the link between two groups of people. I was the reason they didn't avoid each other, the reason my two best friends talked to and were friendly with my other best friend. The reason we all hung out together sometimes. And Grad was the last time that happened. In history.

The very tangible realness of it all is what's hitting me these days; It's paralysing me. Besides my jobs, I'm getting nothing done, I can't plan things properly, and I'm avoiding any actual planning for the fall that needs doing. I'm not even sure what it is that's scaring me so much, I just know it's so very, very absolute, that fear.

And so, I sit around on my brand new computer, playing video games and being generally unsatisfied. (With video games, not my new computer. "Rory" is perfect.)

One thing I have finally accomplished, though, is filming my first vlog. I find myself still putting off posting it. Right now it's the fact that I imply something about somebody dying, and the last thing I want is for people to think I'm talking about Cory Monteith. Heaven knows I feel sorry about it and for Lea Michele, but it didn't impact me personally. But I'm thinking tomorrow I'll upload it. And then I can start promoting it and get it out there and start the tumblr. I'm really excited for that (if you like the music recommendations/features I do on this blog, follow the tumblr cause there'll be loads of those, promise).

So, how to get through paralysis?

I guess the only thing there is to do is take it one day at a time. Start with the small stuff, easy things.

So, tomorrow, what I'll aim to do is:
- Make the header for the Fueled by Young Spirit channel and the twitter
- Upload the video
- Put on the slowcooker for dinner
- Start to go shopping for rain boots, an umbrella and pajamas (Target is opening tomorrow, so that should help). I hope Tee is free so I don't have to face it alone. I hate shopping when I need to do it, and love it when I can't afford it.
- Work out

There. It's in writing. Maybe that means I'll do it all.

Also I really need a new blog layout.


We Are The City's new album Violent is excellent. This is my favourite track, because of the fullness of the sound and it goes along with my preoccupation over "losing" my friends. The band members actually come from the place I live right now. Represent!

this post's illustrations are by this photo-magician lady. I really hope she doesn't mind me using them.

It's Going To Be A Little Robot

Wow, it's been a long time. How is it already April? Time, man.

As expectations would have it, loads of stuff has happened. I just went home to Germany for three weeks in March. There's so much to talk about in that trip, but it's really a very private topic and experience for me. So, that's where I draw the line, I suppose: The internet can read about my panic attacks, romantic attachments, and artistic passions, but not a trip I took to Europe.

There are loads of other things happening, though. Life is kind of crazy at the moment because I'm still trying to catch up on having missed four days of school. Meanwhile, I'm looking into the future as well. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's official: after ages of procrastination and multitudes of nervous breakdowns, I have completed submitting all the things I needed to submit to UBC and UVic. It's a relief to know that for better or for worse, it's out of my hands now. Now it's just time to wait and see what fate has in store for me.


Also, have you noticed that spring is here? (Unless it's not where you are. Sorry about that. I feel you; Germany was super cold all March)

In other news, my directing class is finally coming to a head. After a year of wondering where our teacher had gone off to and learning very little, we're directing 10-minute plays to be performed in something we call "Play Marathon" at our school. I'm actually very excited to pull together my own production, however short it may be. The play I've chosen is called Circuits and it's written by Rachel Lepore. It's funny, it's cute, it has a lot of heart, and it's also angsty. I'm not going to give too much away, because I know the only person who ever reads this blog is going to experience it live. I have to get my butt moving, though, because my Director's Script is due on Wednesday.

As to future plans for this blog, I intend to do some DIY projects this summer once I have more time on my hands, so watch this space for that kind of stuff! Also in the hopefully-not-too-far future, I'll be doing some more internet-y things, possibly involving a camera...??? We'll see how that goes, I'd really love to have that come together and work out. Again, details later.

In music news, I saw Said The Whale on Wednesday! I haven't seen them live in what seems like forever, and they played some new music as well. I got a shirt, which I've wanted to do every time they were in town, but never did. I'm looking forward to seeing them a lot more frequently if I move to Vancouver. IF that's where I get accepted.

Today's song is brought to you by Ben Worcester's amazing performance of it on Wednesday. (hey look, this one's live, too!)


(This post's illustration shamelessly has no source. It's naked. What a scandalous illustration. Put some clothes on, illustration, we're both tired.)

Literature Ladies

This is the text for a project I did for Literature class. I did my project on how women are portrayed and seen in various pieces of literature and in different time periods. I also drew a picture for each entry. I might add those pictures to this post later. Or I might not.

The Rape Of the Lock
The entire purpose of Pope's poem is to mock Belinda's overreaction at having a piece of her hair cut off by an admiring Baron, so she's automatically made to look a bit ridiculous and over dramatic.
The character of Belinda is very daring. She challenges two men to a card game, and wins. When she is wrong, i.e. her hair is cut off, she makes a huge fuss and gets everybody in uproar at the offence. This shows that she is not the kind of person to back down.
Belinda is very vain. The best example of this is because she makes such a big deal about her lost hair. She has also spent all day working on her appearance for this social event, as have all the other fine ladies.
Despite protesting once he cuts off her hair, Belinda is flirtatious with the Byron. It is for this reason that he wants to cut off a piece of her hair; they've been flirting and he wants a token of her. The fact that she's made many men pine for her is also mentioned in the poem.
Despite her frivolity, Pope paints her as being supported by many protective spirits and muses, all of whom also get up in arms when her hair is cut. This shows some admiration for her determination and character.

The Lady of Shalott
The poem is about a Lady who is trapped on a lonely island on a river. She can't leave, because she is cursed to never participate in real life or else die. She must sit in her tower, weaving, and can only watch the outside world through the reflection of a mirror. She's clearly not happy, but she is resigned to her fate until a certain Sir Lancelot rides by.
When Sir Lancelot of Camelot rides by and the Lady of Shalott sees him, she wakes from her stupor, gets in a boat that she inscribes with her name, and rides down the river. By the time she reaches Camelot, she is dead. The King, Queen, Lancelot and all the people mourn the waste of such a pretty soul.
Even though it doesn't work out for her, the Lady's act of leaving her solitary, meaningless existence is admirable. She isn't satisfied with her situation, so she finally gets up and leaves towards the real world she's been watching for so long. Even though she knows she will die, she decides that fate is worth it if it occurs in an effort to get above her worthless existence.
It's a bit unfortunate that what motivated her had to be seeing a gallant man on a horse, but the sentiment is admirable all the same. In fact, it shows that she is actively going after something, even if it is only a sort of vision.

To The Ladies
This poem is overall very resentful towards the institution of marriage. In fact, Lady Mary Chudleigh compares wives to servants, saying the only difference is that a wife has a title and is not paid for her labours and obedience. Marriage is described as "the fatal knot", which implies that once married, a wife is practically dead and does not live a real life of her own.
She says that a husband rules his wife completely, and she must obey and submit to his commands.
This shows wives in the early 18th century as suppressed, mistreated creatures. This is probably accurate, as marriage was a very unequal contract then and women were seen as objects to be acquired or to manage rather than actual people. Lady Mary Chudleigh writing this poem, however, puts her in stark contrast to the existence she has described in her poem.
It's rather unfortunate that at the end of the poem she dedicates a few lines to saying things along the lines of "all men are horrible, you must protect yourself and shun them", as that has been an attitude that feminists have been criticized and ridiculed for a lot over time.

My Last Duchess
As we only get an account of the Duchess from her resentful widower, we can't really paint a realistic picture of her character, but it is an excellent medium for seeing how women would have been viewed in the Italian Renaissance. The poem was written around 1842, centuries after the time it is set in, and Robert Browning was fascinated by the psychology of the age of rebirth. The character of the Duke is seen as a bit of a psychotic man, as well as very possessive, jealous and forbidding.
If one puts the Duke's bias aside, the late Duchess seems like a lovely girl, very happy and pleasant. She might have blushed at practically everything, but she also seems to have been unassuming and courteous. Considering the situation from her perspective, the Duke probably had absolutely no reason to be jealous of anyone, which goes to show that he's rather extreme, especially seeing as he probably had his wife killed.
The Duchess certainly seems to be more an object the Duke purchased than a person he married. If you consider the historical characters the poem is inspired by, this certainly rings true. The Duchess was a Medici when the later all-powerful family was still establishing its wealth and prominence. She would have been married of to the Duke when she was 14 for money, connections and influence. The fact that the match was advantageous for her and her family would have caused an even more significant power imbalance in her marriage.
The reason the Duke was unhappy with her was that she seemed too happy all the time. This seems like a strange grievance to have, but the problem is actually that the Duke resents the thought of anyone complimenting his wife and he is also displeased that she seems just as pleased by insignificant gifts as she was by being married to him. Her smile is pretty much the same for anyone and anything, and she smiles at everything.
The creepiest part of the poem is that he's telling this story to somebody with whom he's negotiating his second marriage with. This shows that he really didn't care about what he did to his first wife. Also, the fact that the man he's talking to is still going along with the negotiations goes to show how insignificant women were at the time.

Emily Dickinson
Emily Dickinson wrote almost 1800 peoms in her lifetime, as well as carrying out a vast amount of correspondence with various acquaintances. Despite this, she had barely a dozen published while she was alive. Nearly all of her work and personality came to life only after she had died.
"Because I could not stop for Death" is one of her most famous poems, and is one of many examples of her fixation on death and immortality. She never married and lived an introverted and increasingly reclusive life in her parents' house until her own death in 1886 at the age of 55. In the later part of her life, she became known as an eccentric in her hometown of Amherst. She took to never leaving her house and eventually insisting on talking to visitors through a door. In fact, even people she was in regular correspondence with didn't see her for years. When people did see her, she was always wearing white.
In terms of her writing, she did not fit into her time at all. Her punctuation, rhyme patterns, and capitalization was unconventional, and in fact all her poems were edited heavily before publication for a long time, in order to suit the taste of the time.

Arson

I have a problem.

It's called confrontation.

Mostly, it presents itself when somebody asks me something about myself that I haven't actively determined yet.

"What's your favourite book? Favourite movie? What's the nicest place you've visited?"

And suddenly I blank. I am an illiterate bookstore worker who's never even seen a video and who has never left her house. I literally have no recollection of any book, movie or place I've ever experienced. Actually.

And in situations like that, I can mostly blow it off as, "Oh, you know, there are still so many books I want to read, as a bookstore worker it's really hard because you'll never have enough time... Oh, I just like movies in general, I quite liked [most recently released movie title]... Well, I've really been all over the place..."

Applications? Not so easy to do that.

I don't think I've ever known a phrase so horrible and terrifying as DESCRIBE YOURSELF TO THE COMMITTEE. That's a terrible question. I hate the committee. I do not want the committee to know me. The committee can't HANDLE the truth. Fight the man.

Of course, not only do I have to talk about myself (ugh), I have to make myself sound fancy (double ugh) and good (not possible. Also, ugh). Quite a few scholarships hang on this.

Arson is sounding like a really nice option.

No seriously, on top of all this, they want me to "include a description of your passions and motivations and explain how they relate to your educational plans and goals."

Kill me.

"I am        um           ...       ...uh.

I can't even come up with a mock/informal/joke description of myself. I literally cannot talk about myself. I can maybe force myself to talk about my experiences, something very, very specific about myself or put a lot of myself into a character. But describing myself or talking about myself is actually not possible. I simply don't know how.

I was hoping that writing would get... I don't know, something rolling. But no such luck.

We Must Away / Ere Break Of Day

I have now seen the Hobbit three times. Of course, each time was amazing. What I love about watching movies over and over again, especially with movies with as much detail as Unexpected Journey, is being able to focus more on the little details, the aesthetic, the things happening in the background that only serve as ambiance on the first viewing.

Of course, this time Sir Ian McKellen gave me an aha-moment. Because of course Ian McKellen would give me feels in the middle of a magical fights scene. He's just that good.

Let me lay the scene:

The dwarves have been captured by the goblins and are facing the enormous blob of a Great Goblin (and I have to say that despite the gross cyst-chin, I think Barry Humphries' voice acting was very good). They've been beaten down, searched and unarmed by the mass of ugly creatures around them, and none of the dwarves, not even Thorin, seem to be able to see a way out of this mess they're in. In fact, they look like they're not even putting up a fight anymore. Most of them have just resigned themselves to having the crap kicked out of them and are really just waiting for the torture machines to get there. Even Thorin Oakenshield, bravest of all dwarves, looks thoroughly beaten and hopeless.

And suddenly, a burst of light. Light and silence. It's breathtaking and beautiful, so pure and strong it knocks all the goblins and the dwarves off their feet. In the middle of the light and silence, we see the silhouette of Gandalf, holding his staff in one hand and his sword, the Foe-hammer, in the other. He doesn't look relaxed like his normal self, but he's not poised for grueling battle, either. He looks powerful and wise and nobody could ignore him. He looks like some nearly divine power come from a greater place.

And out of his mouth come the words:

Take arms! Fight! Fight!

The first two times I saw this, I loved this scene and it touched something in me, but I could never quite pinpoint what it was. This time I realized why it resonated so profoundly with me.

At this point in my life, I'm in a position where I have to constantly look to the future. That scares me. I don't want to settle for a normal life, I want to achieve things, I want to be something, I want to be happy and I want to feel that I've actively earned my happiness. Right now I don't know how to do those things. I have my own demons to face, some from my past, some from my self and some from anxiety about my future. And I think it's important for me to recognize that I do have anxiety about my future, and about my past. Not to a diagnosable degree, but it's certainly present in me and the way I feel about and deal with things. I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders, a lot of pressures, expectations, doubts and obstacles, metaphorical goblins kicking me in the side and beating me down until I'm lying there, completely hopeless.

I desperately want to defeat those demons. I often tell myself to never settle, to do everything I can to achieve the happiness and the dreams I want to fulfill, but it's hard, especially with all the odds against you, as they are predisposed to be.

That's why the image of Gandalf imploring the dwarves to fight is so powerful to me. He's telling them to get up, to take arms and shake of the goblins holding them down. Furthermore, he's telling them to fight their way out of the mountain. The entire time they're escaping, they're running headfirst into their enemies and fighting through them.

The way Gandalf says those words is so vehement and determined. It inspires me. He's not saving them. He's throwing them straight into the danger and telling them to stand proudly and do their best. He doesn't say anything about where they have to go or where they will be safe. He's simply telling them that they have to try. Because damn it all if they get hurt or they never get to the end. It's still better than if they hadn't tried.

So from now on, whenever I find myself weak or unresolved or afraid, I can think of Gandalf's words and feel encouraged. And I can think of the greatness of both Gandalf and Sir Ian McKellen, and I can try and fight my way through the goblins, out of the Misty Mountains, to the hope of reaching for my own greatness.