When The Lights Come On, I'll Be Ready For This

In many ways, today was even better than yesterday. In some ways, it was worse.

I didn't go to Staples before class; I slept in, because of course I did. Class was decent, and we stayed for half an hour afterwards to get some ideas going for our final project. Between today's discussion and staying afterwards, I actually think we're closer as a class, which is nice. I purposefully sat between two people I don't know, and it was actually a very good idea. That made me happy.

After that, I went to Staples and Walmart. I found a decent planner at Staples, which is good. After I got back to campus, I dropped off my stuff and went for a hike. The hike was actually very nice, and I'm even more glad I did it than I thought I would be.

Let's just ignore how bad I look without makeup in this picture

It's not that far up, but man was I hungry when I got back to Residence! I really hope I can move tomorrow.

At Walmart I picked up a bristle brush so when I got home, I tried dry brushing for the first time. My body feels so nice and relaxed now! It really is like a massage (a really invigorating one - bloodflow everywhere) and my skin feels suuuuuper soft and nice and fresh. So that makes me feel happy. Also my muscles feel nice and loose, which is great because that's something I struggle with. Basically yeah I'm gonna keep doing that every day forever now. ($4 brush was definitely a great investment)

Unfortunately, I was more physically exhausted and limp and jello-y (note to self: only dry brush in the evenings when I intend to do nothing physical anymore) than I had anticipated when planning out my evening. Plus writing all my classes and rehearsals and engagements for the next 3 months took an absurdly long time, so I didn't get any cleaning up or working on my resume done. Hopefully as I continue this journey of becoming healthier (in all ways) and more organized, I'll build up my strength so I can do all the things I plan without feeling like a piece of roadkill at the end of the day.

Now the plan for tomorrow is to go to the secret beach after class, and then spend the rest of the day doing resume stuff, as well as homework. I need to get on top of that. I don't really have outside-of-class commitments next week, so that'll be when I focus on de-cluttering and organizing my space. But for the meantime, it sure is nice to have all my plans and time written out in this planner of mine.

Also, some of the girls in my group of residence friends have sort of officially left us. We had a facebook group chat going since last semester, and today two of us just left the conversation. There was no explanation, and I'm one of only two girls who live on a different floor than all the others, so I have no idea how or why this happened. Unfortunately, it's not a complete shock - they've both been really distant and I haven't seen them in weeks. In fact, our whole group has been sort of dissolving and dying off since our friend took the semester off and has been back home. It's really sad; last semester this group was a solid thing that was always there, something I could come home to and relax into after a long day of school and/or doing practical hours or scene painting or helping out with student shows. It felt so solid and comfortable and hopeful - we were (and three of us still are) thinking of living together in a house next year. I was looking forward to that, because I really want to live in a house with quite a few people, like a living community type of thing, and this was a group that I really thought I might have that with. It's interesting what school and stress and pressure can do to people, and to relationships, especially when we're so young and trying to cope with the world for the first time.

So, that's a bit of a bummer. But I have to focus on myself - I don't have any control over that, and I shouldn't try to - and that's what I'm trying to do.

Today's song is my favourite track by Lorde because Lorde.

How It's Started

Day 1 of Project Get Your Life Together You Idiot (working title) went relatively well.

The biggest problems were a horribly sore throat and a headache in the afternoon, which, granted, I can't blame myself for. I did get my to-do list done though, and more! I returned my friend's books as well as the library's, I took out the garbage, I drank over a litre of water, I had tea (although I left it in too long so it tasted gross), and I printed out that day planner. Unfortunately, I only had enough credit left to print out two sheets. But it's alright, because I decided to get an actual daily planner. Today I looked in the campus book store, as well as the local one and the drug store, but didn't find a good one. So tomorrow morning before class I'm going to head out to Staples and hopefully get a good one, and maybe some page tags (and some stickers to be honest because of course). I'm still going to go hike after class, but I don't think I'm going to see Cass in time to take her camera. But I intend this hike to be the first of many, so I'm sure I'll have many opportunities for pretty pictures. Of course I can clean up as well, and fortunately I just finished the assignment I was going to work on. That means I can work on my resume tomorrow. I'm going to go to the secret beach on Wednesday instead of Friday (more on that in a second), and then clean up my room some more. Thursday will stay the same as I planned last night. And Friday is a complete write-off because I'm doing lighting hours all day. By the time I'm done at 5, I'll be too tired and sore to do anything. Besides, by that time, I'll need some down time for sure.

If I want to get anything done on the weekend I'll have to do it in the mornings, because I'll be doing lighting hours both evenings after rehearsal. My goal is to give my resume to Bolen Books on Tuesday. I would say Monday, but my classes are so awkwardly spaced out that I don't have a good time to drop it off, except maybe at lunch time.

Today's track is "Angels" by The xx, just because it happens to be playing on my songza playlist right now.

In other, but related, news, Galapril is now my phone lockscreen to inspire me and because she's so damn pretty.

I will leave you with this fun fact (or tidbit, if you will): If it weren't for the whole acting thing, I would totally have dreadlocks. Well, I would grow out my hair and then make them dreadlocks. Whatever. You get it.

Getting It Together

Christ.

I'm fully aware that I've been completely absent from this blog, and Fueled by Young Spirit in general, for far too long. I did a couple videos last semester, which got me started on The Almost Real World, my video project about University. I've been meaning to make a new video for weeks, but I have no idea what to write it about. I've had a specific topic stockpiled almost since the beginning of the project, but it's very important to me and I want it to be genuine. These days, I don't feel positive or optimistic enough to film it without feeling like I'm lying to whoever watches it, and to myself. In the meantime, I really want to make a video to somehow help with applications, because it's that time of year, but what am I going to say? "I know it's scary but you have to do it and I can't really help you"? That line is becoming a bit tired. It feels like all the TARW videos have been variations on that theme.

So I don't really know what to write that video about. I don't really know what to write anything about at the moment, actually. It's scary - even for a Writing class assignment, I had to put it off until the night before because I couldn't come up with an idea at all. In the end, I'm horribly dissatisfied with what I ended up with. I don't know what it is. The only thing I can think of that might be causing it is that my mind has adapted a state of not letting myself dwell on emotions. When I try to think about things, and dwell on how I feel, I just balk and distract myself with quotidian, practical matters. I can see where that conditioning would come from. Most significantly, I've been dealing with a massive crush since I got to Victoria, and my primary coping mechanism has been to avoid him and not think about it. Now he has a girlfriend, so of course I'm definitely just trying to distract myself until I inevitably get over it - sort of. Throughout the whole thing, which has made me miserable, I haven't actually shed a single tears. Again, that's my evasion instinct - the same instinct that made me move to an island to get away from high school, the one that puts off contacting friends or family in Germany, the one that's been making me dodge two of my closest friends because they were there when I found out about him seeing someone, and because they're the ones I actually talked to about my crush up until that moment. Perhaps that evasion instinct has seeped into my perspective and infected my creative powers.

I also haven't been taking care of myself very well since coming back from Christmas break. My nose has been stuffed for about 3 weeks, my energy is all over the place and unreliable, and I haven't been eating well at all. I've been eating too many brownies and candy, and I let myself skip meals for convenience or because I slept too late to have breakfast and lunch as separate meals. I've been letting petty hunger and boredom dictate when and what and how much I eat, and I feel really off whack and out of control because of it. My room is more of a disaster than my life, my mind and my focus put together, and I plan out my life two days ahead at most.

I'm going back to Kelowna for a couple of days in February, and my goal is to get myself together by then, so I can feel alright about leaving, even for a short while. That means that I can leave and get out of here with my entire body and mind, and not be preoccupied with Victoria life at all.

So my plan is to go to bed soon, because I have class at 8 30 tomorrow morning. I know I'm not really going to accomplish anything tomorrow, because I have class dispersed throughout the whole day until 8 20. But my checklist includes taking out the garbage, returning my library book, printing out a calendar (this one will do for now) for the next two weeks, making tea using the hot water at the Fine Arts Cafe (David's Tea's Mango Madness sounds good), and drinking at least two bottles (590 mL each) of water. On Tuesday after class, I'm going to leave my book in my locker in the theatre and go for a hike up the closest hill. I'll ask Cassidy if I can borrow her camera, and take pictures of the view. I'll spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my room, and I'll write my report on the World's Biggest Button Blanket for class. On Wednesday after class, I'll find the document for my resume, fix it up, skype my dad and ask him for advice on it, and outline a cover letter for the local book store. I'll also make a list of other places I wouldn't mind working at. On Thursday I'll hike up the hill again, and if I go right after class I might time it so that I'll see the sunset. Hopefully I can skype Kendra or Tee that evening. On Friday morning I'm going to take a walk to the "Secret Beach" - without direction or looking it up, just trying to find it based on the time Cassidy and I drove there in the dark. Then I'll clean up my room more, work on my job applications, and work on my lines for rehearsal that weekend.

I'm also going to take the week off from the internet. Facebook will send me notifications if anything actually happens, and I think I need a bit of an escape from tumblr anyway. I'm going to only use my computer and phone for music, and even that sparingly. If I find myself unable to do anything productive, I'll read. I'll watch American Horror Story on Wednesday night of course, but other than that, TV can wait until Saturday. I just think I need to clear my head, and I think being online is clogging it up a little.

The catalyst for me writing this post and making these plans was reading the lovely Galapril's blog. Something about her energy, her gentleness and her positivity motivates me to make myself and my life as happy and healthy as her. Also, holy crap, she's so crazy beautiful.

Anyway, here's a really great song I've been listening to an obnoxious amount lately. I found it in this great playlist. (It's mislabelled - it's actually called "Untouchable Face")