I've graduated high school. I got two awards worth $500 each and I got my bilingual diploma (French immersion, bro). I had my Grad, with fancy gowns and a limo and too much champagne on an empty stomach. We barrelled through the awkward "this is so cliché" phase, threw aloof hipsterness to the wind and danced our hearts out until we couldn't breathe. It was beautiful, and it was the last time I saw most people in my grad class, and the last time all my friends and I were together. Ever. That's the scary part.
I'm just very used to all of us being in the same place all the time. And there's that safety net of "we'll all be back for holidays" to save you from having to address the fact that you're no longer going to see the people closest to you on a daily basis any more. Which is especially hard because we established a lunchtime routine this past year. It was mostly unspoken and that's what our group friendship was based on and relied on.
But I was the link between two groups of people. I was the reason they didn't avoid each other, the reason my two best friends talked to and were friendly with my other best friend. The reason we all hung out together sometimes. And Grad was the last time that happened. In history.
The very tangible realness of it all is what's hitting me these days; It's paralysing me. Besides my jobs, I'm getting nothing done, I can't plan things properly, and I'm avoiding any actual planning for the fall that needs doing. I'm not even sure what it is that's scaring me so much, I just know it's so very, very absolute, that fear.
And so, I sit around on my brand new computer, playing video games and being generally unsatisfied. (With video games, not my new computer. "Rory" is perfect.)
One thing I have finally accomplished, though, is filming my first vlog. I find myself still putting off posting it. Right now it's the fact that I imply something about somebody dying, and the last thing I want is for people to think I'm talking about Cory Monteith. Heaven knows I feel sorry about it and for Lea Michele, but it didn't impact me personally. But I'm thinking tomorrow I'll upload it. And then I can start promoting it and get it out there and start the tumblr. I'm really excited for that (if you like the music recommendations/features I do on this blog, follow the tumblr cause there'll be loads of those, promise).
So, how to get through paralysis?
I guess the only thing there is to do is take it one day at a time. Start with the small stuff, easy things.
So, tomorrow, what I'll aim to do is:
- Make the header for the Fueled by Young Spirit channel and the twitter
- Upload the video
- Put on the slowcooker for dinner
- Start to go shopping for rain boots, an umbrella and pajamas (Target is opening tomorrow, so that should help). I hope Tee is free so I don't have to face it alone. I hate shopping when I need to do it, and love it when I can't afford it.
- Work out
There. It's in writing. Maybe that means I'll do it all.
Also I really need a new blog layout.
We Are The City's new album Violent is excellent. This is my favourite track, because of the fullness of the sound and it goes along with my preoccupation over "losing" my friends. The band members actually come from the place I live right now. Represent!
this post's illustrations are by this photo-magician lady. I really hope she doesn't mind me using them.
