Scruffy-lookin' Nerf Herder

It's NaNoWriMo Eve! Better known as Halloween, of course. Unfortunately, I have had to opt out of dong NANo this year... it makes me feel really bad that I gave up before I even started, but it's just not a reality for me this year. Heck, I haven't even had a single minute to do any planning, and it's not getting quieter around here any time soon. However, if I can, I do want to use it as motivation to write more. I really need to.

My Halloween costume for this year has to be one of my favourites. Out with the blonde (and the boobs), in with the brown, I'm Han Solo for a day! Alas, I have neither a Chewie nor a Leia, but fortunately my best friend dressed up as Vader and I have two other friends who dressed up as Luke and a Stormtrooper, respectively. It's great.

 I totally look this sexy today. Totally.

Tonight we're going to "Darth Vader"'s house and playing Assassin's Creed III. And when I say playing, I mean my friends will be playing and I'll be watching because I suck. At video games, that is.

Also, I'll be attempting to make cupcakes to bring! I hope I can get it together in time. If I can, they should look something like this:

The Cold Clouds my Judgment

Remember that time, not at all very long ago, that I said I needed to free up my schedule and get on top of things? Well,...

I mean, they say every person is a maze of contradictions, right? Although in my case, it seems that the largest contradiction is that I want to go to university and yet I'm apparently a moron.

I must be doing right, because this November I'll be facing two of my greatest fears: writing and stress. Writing itself isn't scary for me, I guess, but putting down a goal (and what a whopping goal it is, Heaven help me), coming up with an idea and then writing it down in its entirety, petrifies me. You guessed it, folks: I'm attempting NaNoWriMo.

Why, why, WHYYYYY???!! I already don't have any time, how on Earth do I expect to do this?

My plan for this adventure: Cut out all TV except Castle and OUAT. Catch up on others over winter break. Cut down tumblr, only allowing enough for avoiding withdrawal. Write for an hour a day during the week. Write all afternoon on Saturdays. Do nothing but write on Sundays. Write as close as possible to 10,000 words on Sundays. Do not write at all on days that we have a show. Do not write on Fridays (I work). Do any homework possible during spares. If done homework in spares, write. Abolish social life. Do not worry about quality or even coherency. Take at least half an hour of free time to do absolutely nothing every day. Take breaks when writing: Hourly, between 5 and 15 minutes each, use these to fulfill basic human needs. Do not sacrifice anything in my life (responsibilities, relationships, etc.) for this. Survive, somehow.

Now, to come up with what the heck I want to write about...

Picture credit goes here, via this blog.

Leaping to a Thousand Fires

Recently, I've been struggling to keep up with things. There always seems to be something else that needs doing, more work I haven't finished yet. I have a list of 5 books that I need to read, two of them are library books, one is for class and another is my best friend's. In fact, the only book I own is the one I'm reading right now and really don't need to be putting first: The Diviners. But alas! I have practically no time to read! When I'm not at rehearsal (which is just sitting around being bored, really, but I need to be there) I have homework, and when I'm done with that I need to clean up the mess that continues to pile up, and after that I need to catch up on the sleep I'm missing.

The problem here, of course, is that what I'm doing is trying to stay on top of things. I'm putting out fires. I'm getting assignments done the night before they're due and I'm only managing to clear enough stuff out of my room so that I can see my floor. There's a constant queue of things ahead of me on my to-do list and I feel like I'm always forgetting yet another thing that should be on that list. Sometimes, I do forget. Within the past one and a half weeks, I've had my dad come to pick me up twice, only to drive straight back home because I forgot to tell him I wasn't going somewhere. It's those kinds of little things that just keep slipping through my grasp, and it's frustrating, because I feel bad (because it's affecting other people and/or it's not being done) and because I'm scared that one of these days, what I forget about will be something huge and devastatingly major. And especially this year, I can't afford for anything like that to happen.

Speaking of which, that's my other problem. In being consumed by the mundane, immediate things, I don't have any energy or time left for bigger things, like keeping track of scholarship deadlines and university application dates. This year I need to be thinking about my future, but how can I do that when all I'm able to do is face one week at a time? I can't build a bridge while putting out fires.

In a rare bout of screw-everything-I-need-time-to-not-do-anything recently, I watched Moulin Rouge! and LOVED it. It's fantastically done all around, but I must say this was my absolute favourite part:

The arrangement is perfect, the singing is awesome, the acting is heartbreaking, and the staging is spectacular. As the movie's climax, it's many people's favourite. It just blows my mind. And Jacek Koman's powerful, gravelly voice is wonderful and really perfect in this. It could never have been as good without his singing. Plus Ewan McGregor is a babe. But everyone already knew that.

I'm thinking of putting music at the end of my posts more often. It's fun. This one is a video because it's equally stunning visually as it is in terms of music.

My, was I surprised

I got the giant project done! Well, at least for now. Mind you, I did work until 2 am the night before it was due. But in my defense I had a really full schedule earlier this week. Still do, actually.

But it's done! It's a GIANT weight off my shoulders, and now all I need to do is get a reference letter, a career interview and make the whole thing look nice in time for the presentation, which is in November.

Now, of course, I have to move on to other things! I have way too much too read, as ever, and I need to get on some scholarship applications. Also, I need to contact the director of the Theatre Royale in Barkerville. I was going to contact him about auditioning for next summer, but unfortunately I believe I'm going to have to change my reason for contacting him to letting him know I won't be able to do it this year, because as far as I can tell, rehearsals start before I graduate. Hopefully I'll be able to do it when I'm at university next year though, because my school year will have ended sooner.

Ah, I do love Fridays. Well, okay, I don't love today, because it's really busy and it didn't start out well, but I love the fact that it's Friday and the fact that it being Friday means that the weekend is nearly nigh! I'm really looking forward to this weekend, because I'm going windowshopping with Tee tomorrow morning, and then my mom and I are going to a fancy resort for the weekend. There's spa stuff and nice things there. It's hella expensive, but it's been my mom's idea from the get-go and I've warned her about that fact multiple times, so I'm absolving myself of responsibility.

One wonderful thing that happened today was that Libba Bray tweeted to me today!!!!!!!! AAAAHHH I CAN'T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT I APOLOGIZE FOR BLATANT IMMATURE FANGIRLING BUT I'M NOT SORRY! I actually couldn't contained myself this morning when I saw it. I'm going to blame my excitement about this for my being 20 minutes late to class this morning, because "I missed the 10 o'clock bus for no reason" is just too pathetic to admit.

"she says, HOPEFULLY" HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS MY IDOL WAS HOPEFUL ABOUT ME BEING THERE OR SOMETHING I LITERALLY CANNOT

Also I'd like to mention that we share the same favourite swearword. It was my favourite even before Beauty Queens and before I figured out it was her favourite but then those things just solidified my preference. I mean, that's a really weird and kind of pathetic thing to have in common with your hero but it's a really great word and also it's not the only thing about her that I identify with.
(the word is shit)

And I will leave you now with one of the greatest songs I know.

There is a story behind this. Not a story as to how I discovered the song, or the wonderful, miraculous band (it started with Tap Tap Revenge a few years ago and it's just been a beautiful love affair since then), but a story of now, and why I thought of this particular song today.

In English, we're discussing Brave New World and genetic modification was mentioned. My best friend, who sits beside me, prompted me about this song (we've both been obsessed for a long time). All their music is mindblowing and perfect and makes me really happy. Especially this song. It's wonderful, because it takes the concept of artificial alteration, and all its serious connotations, and sort of treats it very concisely, eloquently and with a sort of semi-comical removedness that's very refreshing. At the same time, it's extremely intimate, relevant and emotional. It just beautiful, intense, holy-crap-inducing stuff. (this post's title is a lyric from this song)

I Should Be Sleeping, Or Working

So. It's almost 1 am and I work this morning. I make good choices. Luckily my shift starts at 11, so I can afford to stay up a little while longer, just long enough to write this post.

I was in Vancouver over the weekend. It was really nice and fun to be there, especially since I intend to make it my home in less than a year (yikes). We did a lot, and my mom even consented to go shopping. She actually bought stuff for herself. A lot of stuff. Of course, I had my mandatory visit at Zelen, and got a pair of sneakers. I also got a pair of boots, and a bunch of other things I needed. I do so love fall. Downtown Vancouver is lovely, and I love the kinds of people you see there. The biggest problem is that you'll never be as stylish as the asian people who hang out there. It's true; they're all fabulous.

Today yesterday, we went trail riding for an hour. I really liked being on a horse. It comes naturally to me somehow, but much as I'd love to I can't regularly ride. After that, we went to see my cousin's softball game. Soon thereafter I had to get on the plane and head home. My mom is staying down at the Coast the whole week, but I had to head back last night already because I work today. And then, you know, school. Whatever.

The big giant elephant-in-the-room-that-is-my-mind problem is that I got practically nothing done on my big grad project. I brought my laptop down with me and everything, and I really did try, but I think I wrote maybe two paragraphs. I hate my work ethic, or rather lack thereof. There's no way I'm going to get it done by Wednesday, especially because today and Tuesday are already full anyway. I just really hope my teacher expects some of them to be late. I mean, it's ridiculous that he's expecting it to be handed in now, when the actual presentation is sometime in November. I'll probably try and do as much as possible tonight (monday evening), even though I have Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's to go to (yaaaaay...). Sleep is for the weak, as they say. And by they, I mean I. I say that. A lot.

Man, if I had the time and somebody to take pictures of me without thinking I'm loony, I would totally do some sort of style post with some of the clothes I've gotten recently. #amateurbloggerproblems

God, I wish it was a year from now, with me at University and grad over and done with.

Expect more bloggy things later this week, when I actually have time to write about some stuff I actually want to write about. Philosophical, think-y stuff. It all depends on how quickly I can get my work done. And how distracted I get. But I'll try to restrict that last one.

Lullaby For An Anxious Child

It would seem that today is an anxious day. I get these every once in a while. They're days where everything seems doomed and I question everything: My situation, my achievements, my life goals, the way I look. Usually I manage to lie to myself enough to mask those doubts (Oh yeah, sure, going into theatre is a great plan! You can do it! Leaving this really long project to a week before it's due is fiiine. No, you're not overloading yourself with work, you have GREAT work ethic, you can do it all. Oh no, you can totally go to school with barely any makeup, your skin doesn't look that bad. It's just because you haven't found the right guy, they're all immature douchebags anyway...), but on days like this, it just seems like the world is going to come crashing down around me. Because, I might as well face it, I'm graduating, and when I graduate, the world pretty much is going to come crashing down. I'll be responsible for my own future, even though I don't even want to face it and it terrifies me. I'll have to fend for my own in life, and nobody's really going to be right there to care about me or for me. The people who will care will have enough of their own problems to deal with. I really do hope I can go to Vancouver with Tee next school year, but she's going to have her own issues to deal with when we're there.

And good God! It's October! There's so much that needs doing! I have a big project due on the 10th that's about exactly this, actually, except I have to pretend that I know how my future is going to fall into place. I have to work on my Halloween costume and there's only a month and a half before the opening night of the Secret in the Wings. Scholarship applications are due, and some Universities are already saying you need to apply! I need to get forms signed by my boss. I have to deal with obliterating a crush I have on a friend I barely see anymore.

And then there's Em, my best friend, with a shining future ahead of her! She knows exactly where she wants to go, and she will go there, because she's ridiculously good and dedicated to her schoolwork and because she can go there with a speed skating scholarship, or at least speed skate at the same time. She's taking a bajillion courses, is reading Mein Kampf for crying out loud, trains something like twice a day and somehow still has a functioning social life. And here I am, Lazy McSlothPants, who can barely talk to strangers, especially male ones, who has no idea how she's ever going to make it in the world. And somehow we're friends.

My other two best friends might not be as ridiculously hard-working as Em. But Tee knows that she wants to go into filmmaking, the side of it that actually pays and has some job stability, and she knows what school she wants to go to. She's really studious and gets stuff done. (I know you're reading this. It's true. As far as I know, you also don't have ridiculous crushes on boys who don't look at you twice.) And Kendra is going into psychology. And I know she'll make it, because she somehow always does.

Somehow I've already let myself slack off again. At the beginning of the year I was extremely gung-ho and determined not to let anything come in the way of doing the best I can. Somehow that focus has shifted again. But it's my last chance, and I need to get myself back on track. So you might see some more evidence of me trying to do that from now on.

Long-term, I'm seriously considering dropping out of grad council. I won't have time to help out with the events they're responsible for and my biggest incentive for staying is that it might look good on applications for University or for scholarships. But it's really not all that important and I need to focus on other things. I also need to think about going on a sort-of hiatus from tumblr for a while, or at least put some strict limitations on how much I use it. I'll miss it like crazy, but it's too much of a distraction and I'll still be using it a little. I've also thought about quitting Orchestra, but I just can't face that.

This week, I need to spend my free time doing any homework I have (prioritized by how soon it's due) and when I'm done that, work on my big project and/or apply to scholarships. When I'm satisfyingly done those things, I have to clean up my room, most specifically my clothes. And when I've done all those things, I can spend my time reading, blogging or doing something active. I can only spend 15 minutes at a time on tumblr, with a total of an hour a day. The exception to these restrictions is when there's a new episode of specific shows on (Castle, Downton Abbey, Once Upon A Time... That's it. I was going to say Doctor Who but that's over, waaaaahhhh).