I've been realizing slowly, and it's been formulating in my mind tonight, that if I want to make a fresh start and make my life more meaningful and full, I'm going to have to try harder.
Which, when I put it like that, seems super obvious. And it is. And I've known it for a while.
Scene: Amelia is presented with a facebook post by someone she's heard of, but doesn't actually know. They're asking for somebody to do something that Amelia could do. Amelia lies there and groans.
The thing is, I knew right away that I could do it. I have the abilities, I'll have the time. I knew it would be a nice thing to do, and I'm aware that I should do more things. But what if I just... didn't? That would be much easier.
I have this problem a lot. It's why I procrastinate so much, to an extent where it often could actually be really damaging, in particular to myself. But why do things, when you can just... not do things?
As I gear up for my third year of University, I feel very much in need of a fresh start. We're moving our of this apartment that I don't feel comfortable in any more, I'm leaving my stress with my ex-best-friend behind (although she'll still be around, and I'm going to have to work around that, too), I have a lovely boyfriend who is really good for me, and student loans should come in in September. But it's not going to work if I don't put the effort in.
I need to do more things, especially the kind of things that get me engaged and involved in this community of mine that I never quite feel a part of. I need to keep doing technical theatre things, even though I feel like I can't get the hang of it.
So I groaned and grumbled some more ("This person doesn't even know me", "It's not paid and I need to spend my time making money because I'm broke", "What are you doing with your life, anyway?") and I commented. Yes, hello, you don't know me, but I can do the thing.
And here we are. I'm practically signed up to spend 3 weeks pushing buttons and sliders on a board for a show I know nothing about. And that's a good thing.
I've been pushing myself to do a lot of things I don't really want to do these days. I kind of picture myself standing behind myself, listlessly shoving my annoyed and unenthusiastic body forward, going "just do it. You need to do it. Come on, get it done. Then it's done."
At least with the sound board, I can tell myself that I'll enjoy it once I'm doing it.
This weird and vague post is brought to you by Spotify, except not at all.
