I've been realizing slowly, and it's been formulating in my mind tonight, that if I want to make a fresh start and make my life more meaningful and full, I'm going to have to try harder.
Which, when I put it like that, seems super obvious. And it is. And I've known it for a while.
Scene: Amelia is presented with a facebook post by someone she's heard of, but doesn't actually know. They're asking for somebody to do something that Amelia could do. Amelia lies there and groans.
The thing is, I knew right away that I could do it. I have the abilities, I'll have the time. I knew it would be a nice thing to do, and I'm aware that I should do more things. But what if I just... didn't? That would be much easier.
I have this problem a lot. It's why I procrastinate so much, to an extent where it often could actually be really damaging, in particular to myself. But why do things, when you can just... not do things?
As I gear up for my third year of University, I feel very much in need of a fresh start. We're moving our of this apartment that I don't feel comfortable in any more, I'm leaving my stress with my ex-best-friend behind (although she'll still be around, and I'm going to have to work around that, too), I have a lovely boyfriend who is really good for me, and student loans should come in in September. But it's not going to work if I don't put the effort in.
I need to do more things, especially the kind of things that get me engaged and involved in this community of mine that I never quite feel a part of. I need to keep doing technical theatre things, even though I feel like I can't get the hang of it.
So I groaned and grumbled some more ("This person doesn't even know me", "It's not paid and I need to spend my time making money because I'm broke", "What are you doing with your life, anyway?") and I commented. Yes, hello, you don't know me, but I can do the thing.
And here we are. I'm practically signed up to spend 3 weeks pushing buttons and sliders on a board for a show I know nothing about. And that's a good thing.
I've been pushing myself to do a lot of things I don't really want to do these days. I kind of picture myself standing behind myself, listlessly shoving my annoyed and unenthusiastic body forward, going "just do it. You need to do it. Come on, get it done. Then it's done."
At least with the sound board, I can tell myself that I'll enjoy it once I'm doing it.
This weird and vague post is brought to you by Spotify, except not at all.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
I'm alive!
Wow. I've been really terrible lately, huh?
Ok, yes. I haven't been blogging. At this point I've actually just given up on Project 365. It just doesn't fit into my life. I'm trying really hard to make positive changes, and enjoying the good things that happen to me. I'd rather be just living in those moments than pulling out a camera and taking a picture of it all. Especially because my life has become increasingly social - it's awkward to randomly take a picture around other people, and then explain that you're taking a picture a day for your blog, and then to have to explain that, yes, you have a blog, but nobody reads it and you really don't need to either. And sometimes, I'm so busy doing things I just forget to take pictures. So that's that.
But I haven't given up photography. I'm going to be sharing pictures I've taken every now and then.
Today, my old friend Haley apparently found my tumblr (the one connected to this blog and my youtube channel) and liked an old post. She has a pretty successful YouTube channel and collab channel, and she's super talented and funny and creative, so it was kind of embarrassing in that way where it makes you want to do a better job, like when you have people coming over and there's a chance they might see your room. It's like that, but also their own room is super clean and cool and just generally better than you - I mean, your room.
She also specifically liked a post I made ages ago saying I would be making more Pride and Prejudice posts, which, you know, hasn't happened. So that's a good reminder to get back on that. I'm dumb.
Fortunately, I've been having more content ideas, especially for videos. My biggest obstacle at the moment is actually time. I just got a job, and we're nearing the end of the school year, and I've been hanging out with a boy. In fact, at this very moment, I should be studying for a test tomorrow, I have to get my load of laundry, and I should go grocery shopping. But, just like now, I'm going to try my best to fit blogging in somehow anyway.
This post is rambly, and badly written. Deal with it?
I've been obsessed with this song recently. I've been obsessed with a lot of songs recently. Thanks spotify.
Ok, yes. I haven't been blogging. At this point I've actually just given up on Project 365. It just doesn't fit into my life. I'm trying really hard to make positive changes, and enjoying the good things that happen to me. I'd rather be just living in those moments than pulling out a camera and taking a picture of it all. Especially because my life has become increasingly social - it's awkward to randomly take a picture around other people, and then explain that you're taking a picture a day for your blog, and then to have to explain that, yes, you have a blog, but nobody reads it and you really don't need to either. And sometimes, I'm so busy doing things I just forget to take pictures. So that's that.
But I haven't given up photography. I'm going to be sharing pictures I've taken every now and then.
Today, my old friend Haley apparently found my tumblr (the one connected to this blog and my youtube channel) and liked an old post. She has a pretty successful YouTube channel and collab channel, and she's super talented and funny and creative, so it was kind of embarrassing in that way where it makes you want to do a better job, like when you have people coming over and there's a chance they might see your room. It's like that, but also their own room is super clean and cool and just generally better than you - I mean, your room.
She also specifically liked a post I made ages ago saying I would be making more Pride and Prejudice posts, which, you know, hasn't happened. So that's a good reminder to get back on that. I'm dumb.
Fortunately, I've been having more content ideas, especially for videos. My biggest obstacle at the moment is actually time. I just got a job, and we're nearing the end of the school year, and I've been hanging out with a boy. In fact, at this very moment, I should be studying for a test tomorrow, I have to get my load of laundry, and I should go grocery shopping. But, just like now, I'm going to try my best to fit blogging in somehow anyway.
This post is rambly, and badly written. Deal with it?
I've been obsessed with this song recently. I've been obsessed with a lot of songs recently. Thanks spotify.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Project 365 - Week 4
Good God, is it Week 4 of 2015 already?! Oh dear.
22/365: We went to a fundraiser cabaret/r'n'b band dance party on Thursday night. The fundraiser was for a production of Spring Awakening, so the cast sang songs they would never get cast to sing in any actual production. I knew a couple people in the cast and the band. For instance, that guy on the right with the guitar has driven me and my friends to McDonald's and then home after a party (although I'm sure he doesn't remember me). Yeah, theatre people have the best events. And apparently there's something about Thursday nights in 2015.
23/365: There are so many beautiful and neat hidden gems and places in this city I get to call home, and I really need to explore more of them. This is Fan Tan Alley, downtown.
23.5/365 (I'm trying in some small way to make up for the fact that I missed TWO days last week): I may have done a little bit of shopping.
24/365: Look at this toaster. Isn't it just such a beautiful toaster? It reminds me of a stereotypical vintage diner in the movies. I got it for me and my roommates as a late Christmas present because I couldn't find them anything at the time. I'm going to go be fat now because toasted cinnamon raisin bagels are my crack.
25/365: I finally found a red bean cake! I've been looking for a proper one ever since I had one a couple years ago, but they're oddly hard to find? Except this one was FAR bigger than the original. I ate the whole thing and then never wanted to put anything in my body ever again. These things are so rich, you guys. But so tasty.
26/365: I was reading a play for acting class called An Evening For Merlin Finch. I took a photo of this line because I thought the stage direction was silly/funny. Thinking back, I was so innocent. I had not idea of the horrors to come. Seriously, An Evening For Merlin Finch is a bizarre, gruelling play to read. And not in a good way.
27/365: I finally caved and bought these amazing Banned Books Socks.
28/365: My favourite part of being a legal adult and buying alcohol is the pretty bottles. I collect my favourites, actually. (I drank this whole thing that night and actually got buzzed! This is highly unusual as I am the ultimate heavyweight)
PSA ugh god I need a new layout. I will get on that very soon, I promise.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Sassy Shakespeare Style
On Sunday I got a lil' dressed up for no reason. Although I suppose you could call "I want to start making style and outfit posts" a reason. I'll go with it.
This is just a quick and dirty OOTD I put up on my instagram, but it's a good start.
I found this shirt the other day and I loved it right away. At that point, trying it on was really just a formality, and the fact that it was on sale was just a gratuitous bonus. I mean, I'm a theatre kid and an English/Lit nerd - it was really fate.
For this outfit, I decided to go with the super-girly stereotypical Juliet aesthetic with the curls and flowers, knowing that the cynicism and colour of the shirt would balance it out and make it just the right amount of satirical. And because I was just running some errands that day, I made it casual with my new tan pants and super-big scarf. Then I threw on the sweater that looked the most decent with the rest of it, because, you know, outside.
Also, yeah. Those are some hips. My hips and bum are the only thing I inherited from my Mom's side of the family, so I'm pretty pear-shaped. It's more noticeable on the left than usual, but hey, body positivity, right? And never fear: I won't photoshop my body... mostly because I don't know how and I'm to lazy to figure it out. I just have big hips and that's that.
This is just a quick and dirty OOTD I put up on my instagram, but it's a good start.
Shirt - Garage
Pants - American Apparel
Scarf - Vero Moda
Sweater - Tommy Hilfiger (forever ago)
Headband - Icing
(I'm not sure why I'm linking all of these. I've just seen other people do it. Help how do you fashion blog)
I found this shirt the other day and I loved it right away. At that point, trying it on was really just a formality, and the fact that it was on sale was just a gratuitous bonus. I mean, I'm a theatre kid and an English/Lit nerd - it was really fate.
For this outfit, I decided to go with the super-girly stereotypical Juliet aesthetic with the curls and flowers, knowing that the cynicism and colour of the shirt would balance it out and make it just the right amount of satirical. And because I was just running some errands that day, I made it casual with my new tan pants and super-big scarf. Then I threw on the sweater that looked the most decent with the rest of it, because, you know, outside.
Also, yeah. Those are some hips. My hips and bum are the only thing I inherited from my Mom's side of the family, so I'm pretty pear-shaped. It's more noticeable on the left than usual, but hey, body positivity, right? And never fear: I won't photoshop my body... mostly because I don't know how and I'm to lazy to figure it out. I just have big hips and that's that.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Project 365 - Week 3
15/365: I just realized I don't think I actually took a picture on this day. I'm poop.
16/365: I made the mistake of walking through the flower section entrance to the grocery store. So now I've adopted 3 baby spring plants!
17/365: I got a popcorn machine! It goes all over the place and I need to get the hang of it, but we can't make popcorn in our microwave because it's too tiny.
18/365: Far too far into the New Year, Kate and I finally watched and did the Big Fat Quiz of the Year. I think we got 24/41, which on a test is a pass and is only 1 less than the last place team on the show. Considering that we're not even British, I think we did alright.
19/365: I did nothing cool or fun. I didn't even go to class. That's Mondays for you.
20/365: This is a phone picture. I was sitting in the design room at school, doing my homework, when I looked at the mess of drafting tools and supplies I had made and thought "hey perfect", but then I realized I didn't bring my camera to school for some reason (probably because my bag already seemed to full due to all these supplies). I can't decide it it's cool or sad that this picture seems almost as good as those from my DSLR.
21/365: After class, my friend Tori and I wandered around campus for a while filming a video for my weekly contribution to my university's student blog project. Right after finishing, dusk was just beginning and the lights had turned on already, and this image was just so pretty.
Project 365 - Week 2
I realize I'm posting this over a week late. I promise I'll try to be more good from here on in.
8/365: On Thursday night, some friends and I went to this lounge bar place to watch some bands play. These girls are Joseph, which we came to see, but all three acts were awesome and it was a magical night.
8.5/365: This is a surprisingly nice picture my friend took of me that night when he stole my camera. It's a bit grainy because we'd been fiddling with the settings. I'm posting this extra picture to compensate for Friday. I forgot to bring my camera to the only exciting thing I did that day.
9/365: I went to my friend Nic's house; him and his roommates made pizza for a bunch of their friends and we played pictionary and Sociables. It was a good night.
10/365: On Saturday night, instead of going to a theatre birthday party, my roommates and I played GTA, watched Brooklyn 99 and ordered pizza. Very much the right decision.
11/365: ...Yeah, I spent the entire weekend at home doing nothing. In my defense, I was sick.
12/365: This is an outtake from taking a headshot for the blogging team I'm a part of at my university. I won't lie, I executed a damn fine coppery smokey eye. I should wear full makeup more often.
13/365: This day was awful. It was hard and painful and I cried. But at least Lee Pace was on The Mindy Project.
14/365: I mean, yeah, I've been trying to lose weight and be healthy and that, but man, I can't resist those damn Pita Wraps.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Project 365 - Week 1
I've started Project 365, which means I'm taking one picture each day (of course I often take more than that, but I take one photo ever day dedicated to this project). It's been pretty fun so far, and I'm sure it'll get easier as I get used to it. The main benefits I foresee (because it's only been a few days so far) are that 1. I'm going to be able to look back on stuff - I'm an extremely visual person, so looking at pictures will be a good way to remember things about that day or that thing I took a picture of - and 2. it's going to concretely motivate myself to do more things, fun or not, to have something to show for every day. You know, thinking "Oh I need to take a picture of something today" makes me want to do or find something interesting, something worth photographing, and that makes me both live my life more vibrantly and excitingly and also look at the world around me more attentively.
I'm going to be posting these weekly. It's been more than a week since January 1, but I'm still figuring out my ~schedule~ for this, okay? OKAY?! I'm not freaking out
I'm going to be posting these weekly. It's been more than a week since January 1, but I'm still figuring out my ~schedule~ for this, okay? OKAY?! I'm not freaking out
1/365: I missed our puppy! His name is Bailey.
2/365: Since I'd been gone for 3 weeks, I had to completely restock.
3/365: I FINALLY hung up my posters and some fairy lights. I got myself the Batik print with the boat on it over the christmas break. Maybe I'll make a post about the whole setup sometime.
4/365: My best friend wrote a play! So a couple of us came to the house she's house-sitting, did a reading of it, and had spaghetti and fun friend chatting times. I felt very adult. We discussed Korrasami a lot.
5/365: On Monday night, the night before I went back to class, I redyed my hair. It's practically black now, which I think is what I subconsciously wanted.
6/365: My friend and I found this hidden but amazing coffeeshop half an hour before it closed on our way to buying my drafting supplies for school. They had this amazing portobello mushroom panini, which we split.
7/365: After school on Wednesday, I spent an exorbitant amount of time going out to the only mall in town that has a Sephora. And they also have a Culture Craze. (It's the black lipstick.)
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Blog News
Yes, I realize it's been forever. I'm sorry.
But it's a New Year! A fresh start, a new beginning - and I can really use it. This last year has been pretty rough; looking back, most of the major events in my life were negative ones. And in the last couple months, everything sort of fell apart and I lost my grip on my own life a little bit. That sounds alarming. I should mention, I mean it in a keeping-on-top-of-things way. My mental health is still relatively intact.
I wouldn't say I have a clean slate - I don't believe you can ever have a completely shiny clean slate in your life except for when you're born. Or maybe when you fake your own death, get plastic surgery and live in a different country under a different identity, and even then, your past stays with you in your memories and your personality. But let's say most of the things on my slate have been cleared off and it's been wiped down with a dishcloth. Most importantly, the person holding the slate - me - is re-energized and ready to deal with what comes next, and has learned from the things that were on the slate before. I really need to let this metaphor go.
I foresee myself doing a lot more blogging in 2015, as well as making videos on my YouTube channel. Beyond it being a personal choice, I'm going to be an official student blogger for my University this spring semester, and I think that will really get the creative juices flowing. Also, I'll be doing my own Project 365, inspired by Kaylah's post, and I'll be posting my daily photos each week.
There will also be a renewed effort to make the rest of Pride and Prejudice into screencap posts.
All over, this year I want to work harder, listen to more music, do more, go on more adventures, find new things I haven't done before, and say yes more often: to others, to opportunities, to myself. Basically, I want to live my life more.
Yes, I'll still be featuring music at the end of posts. This one is possible the most almost-country song I've ever actually liked. And I like it a lot. (I know it's hardly even country at all, that's my point.)
But it's a New Year! A fresh start, a new beginning - and I can really use it. This last year has been pretty rough; looking back, most of the major events in my life were negative ones. And in the last couple months, everything sort of fell apart and I lost my grip on my own life a little bit. That sounds alarming. I should mention, I mean it in a keeping-on-top-of-things way. My mental health is still relatively intact.
I wouldn't say I have a clean slate - I don't believe you can ever have a completely shiny clean slate in your life except for when you're born. Or maybe when you fake your own death, get plastic surgery and live in a different country under a different identity, and even then, your past stays with you in your memories and your personality. But let's say most of the things on my slate have been cleared off and it's been wiped down with a dishcloth. Most importantly, the person holding the slate - me - is re-energized and ready to deal with what comes next, and has learned from the things that were on the slate before. I really need to let this metaphor go.
I foresee myself doing a lot more blogging in 2015, as well as making videos on my YouTube channel. Beyond it being a personal choice, I'm going to be an official student blogger for my University this spring semester, and I think that will really get the creative juices flowing. Also, I'll be doing my own Project 365, inspired by Kaylah's post, and I'll be posting my daily photos each week.
There will also be a renewed effort to make the rest of Pride and Prejudice into screencap posts.
All over, this year I want to work harder, listen to more music, do more, go on more adventures, find new things I haven't done before, and say yes more often: to others, to opportunities, to myself. Basically, I want to live my life more.
Yes, I'll still be featuring music at the end of posts. This one is possible the most almost-country song I've ever actually liked. And I like it a lot. (I know it's hardly even country at all, that's my point.)
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