Lullaby For An Anxious Child

It would seem that today is an anxious day. I get these every once in a while. They're days where everything seems doomed and I question everything: My situation, my achievements, my life goals, the way I look. Usually I manage to lie to myself enough to mask those doubts (Oh yeah, sure, going into theatre is a great plan! You can do it! Leaving this really long project to a week before it's due is fiiine. No, you're not overloading yourself with work, you have GREAT work ethic, you can do it all. Oh no, you can totally go to school with barely any makeup, your skin doesn't look that bad. It's just because you haven't found the right guy, they're all immature douchebags anyway...), but on days like this, it just seems like the world is going to come crashing down around me. Because, I might as well face it, I'm graduating, and when I graduate, the world pretty much is going to come crashing down. I'll be responsible for my own future, even though I don't even want to face it and it terrifies me. I'll have to fend for my own in life, and nobody's really going to be right there to care about me or for me. The people who will care will have enough of their own problems to deal with. I really do hope I can go to Vancouver with Tee next school year, but she's going to have her own issues to deal with when we're there.

And good God! It's October! There's so much that needs doing! I have a big project due on the 10th that's about exactly this, actually, except I have to pretend that I know how my future is going to fall into place. I have to work on my Halloween costume and there's only a month and a half before the opening night of the Secret in the Wings. Scholarship applications are due, and some Universities are already saying you need to apply! I need to get forms signed by my boss. I have to deal with obliterating a crush I have on a friend I barely see anymore.

And then there's Em, my best friend, with a shining future ahead of her! She knows exactly where she wants to go, and she will go there, because she's ridiculously good and dedicated to her schoolwork and because she can go there with a speed skating scholarship, or at least speed skate at the same time. She's taking a bajillion courses, is reading Mein Kampf for crying out loud, trains something like twice a day and somehow still has a functioning social life. And here I am, Lazy McSlothPants, who can barely talk to strangers, especially male ones, who has no idea how she's ever going to make it in the world. And somehow we're friends.

My other two best friends might not be as ridiculously hard-working as Em. But Tee knows that she wants to go into filmmaking, the side of it that actually pays and has some job stability, and she knows what school she wants to go to. She's really studious and gets stuff done. (I know you're reading this. It's true. As far as I know, you also don't have ridiculous crushes on boys who don't look at you twice.) And Kendra is going into psychology. And I know she'll make it, because she somehow always does.

Somehow I've already let myself slack off again. At the beginning of the year I was extremely gung-ho and determined not to let anything come in the way of doing the best I can. Somehow that focus has shifted again. But it's my last chance, and I need to get myself back on track. So you might see some more evidence of me trying to do that from now on.

Long-term, I'm seriously considering dropping out of grad council. I won't have time to help out with the events they're responsible for and my biggest incentive for staying is that it might look good on applications for University or for scholarships. But it's really not all that important and I need to focus on other things. I also need to think about going on a sort-of hiatus from tumblr for a while, or at least put some strict limitations on how much I use it. I'll miss it like crazy, but it's too much of a distraction and I'll still be using it a little. I've also thought about quitting Orchestra, but I just can't face that.

This week, I need to spend my free time doing any homework I have (prioritized by how soon it's due) and when I'm done that, work on my big project and/or apply to scholarships. When I'm satisfyingly done those things, I have to clean up my room, most specifically my clothes. And when I've done all those things, I can spend my time reading, blogging or doing something active. I can only spend 15 minutes at a time on tumblr, with a total of an hour a day. The exception to these restrictions is when there's a new episode of specific shows on (Castle, Downton Abbey, Once Upon A Time... That's it. I was going to say Doctor Who but that's over, waaaaahhhh).