Getting It Together

Christ.

I'm fully aware that I've been completely absent from this blog, and Fueled by Young Spirit in general, for far too long. I did a couple videos last semester, which got me started on The Almost Real World, my video project about University. I've been meaning to make a new video for weeks, but I have no idea what to write it about. I've had a specific topic stockpiled almost since the beginning of the project, but it's very important to me and I want it to be genuine. These days, I don't feel positive or optimistic enough to film it without feeling like I'm lying to whoever watches it, and to myself. In the meantime, I really want to make a video to somehow help with applications, because it's that time of year, but what am I going to say? "I know it's scary but you have to do it and I can't really help you"? That line is becoming a bit tired. It feels like all the TARW videos have been variations on that theme.

So I don't really know what to write that video about. I don't really know what to write anything about at the moment, actually. It's scary - even for a Writing class assignment, I had to put it off until the night before because I couldn't come up with an idea at all. In the end, I'm horribly dissatisfied with what I ended up with. I don't know what it is. The only thing I can think of that might be causing it is that my mind has adapted a state of not letting myself dwell on emotions. When I try to think about things, and dwell on how I feel, I just balk and distract myself with quotidian, practical matters. I can see where that conditioning would come from. Most significantly, I've been dealing with a massive crush since I got to Victoria, and my primary coping mechanism has been to avoid him and not think about it. Now he has a girlfriend, so of course I'm definitely just trying to distract myself until I inevitably get over it - sort of. Throughout the whole thing, which has made me miserable, I haven't actually shed a single tears. Again, that's my evasion instinct - the same instinct that made me move to an island to get away from high school, the one that puts off contacting friends or family in Germany, the one that's been making me dodge two of my closest friends because they were there when I found out about him seeing someone, and because they're the ones I actually talked to about my crush up until that moment. Perhaps that evasion instinct has seeped into my perspective and infected my creative powers.

I also haven't been taking care of myself very well since coming back from Christmas break. My nose has been stuffed for about 3 weeks, my energy is all over the place and unreliable, and I haven't been eating well at all. I've been eating too many brownies and candy, and I let myself skip meals for convenience or because I slept too late to have breakfast and lunch as separate meals. I've been letting petty hunger and boredom dictate when and what and how much I eat, and I feel really off whack and out of control because of it. My room is more of a disaster than my life, my mind and my focus put together, and I plan out my life two days ahead at most.

I'm going back to Kelowna for a couple of days in February, and my goal is to get myself together by then, so I can feel alright about leaving, even for a short while. That means that I can leave and get out of here with my entire body and mind, and not be preoccupied with Victoria life at all.

So my plan is to go to bed soon, because I have class at 8 30 tomorrow morning. I know I'm not really going to accomplish anything tomorrow, because I have class dispersed throughout the whole day until 8 20. But my checklist includes taking out the garbage, returning my library book, printing out a calendar (this one will do for now) for the next two weeks, making tea using the hot water at the Fine Arts Cafe (David's Tea's Mango Madness sounds good), and drinking at least two bottles (590 mL each) of water. On Tuesday after class, I'm going to leave my book in my locker in the theatre and go for a hike up the closest hill. I'll ask Cassidy if I can borrow her camera, and take pictures of the view. I'll spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my room, and I'll write my report on the World's Biggest Button Blanket for class. On Wednesday after class, I'll find the document for my resume, fix it up, skype my dad and ask him for advice on it, and outline a cover letter for the local book store. I'll also make a list of other places I wouldn't mind working at. On Thursday I'll hike up the hill again, and if I go right after class I might time it so that I'll see the sunset. Hopefully I can skype Kendra or Tee that evening. On Friday morning I'm going to take a walk to the "Secret Beach" - without direction or looking it up, just trying to find it based on the time Cassidy and I drove there in the dark. Then I'll clean up my room more, work on my job applications, and work on my lines for rehearsal that weekend.

I'm also going to take the week off from the internet. Facebook will send me notifications if anything actually happens, and I think I need a bit of an escape from tumblr anyway. I'm going to only use my computer and phone for music, and even that sparingly. If I find myself unable to do anything productive, I'll read. I'll watch American Horror Story on Wednesday night of course, but other than that, TV can wait until Saturday. I just think I need to clear my head, and I think being online is clogging it up a little.

The catalyst for me writing this post and making these plans was reading the lovely Galapril's blog. Something about her energy, her gentleness and her positivity motivates me to make myself and my life as happy and healthy as her. Also, holy crap, she's so crazy beautiful.

Anyway, here's a really great song I've been listening to an obnoxious amount lately. I found it in this great playlist. (It's mislabelled - it's actually called "Untouchable Face")