Of course, this time Sir Ian McKellen gave me an aha-moment. Because of course Ian McKellen would give me feels in the middle of a magical fights scene. He's just that good.
Let me lay the scene:
The dwarves have been captured by the goblins and are facing the enormous blob of a Great Goblin (and I have to say that despite the gross cyst-chin, I think Barry Humphries' voice acting was very good). They've been beaten down, searched and unarmed by the mass of ugly creatures around them, and none of the dwarves, not even Thorin, seem to be able to see a way out of this mess they're in. In fact, they look like they're not even putting up a fight anymore. Most of them have just resigned themselves to having the crap kicked out of them and are really just waiting for the torture machines to get there. Even Thorin Oakenshield, bravest of all dwarves, looks thoroughly beaten and hopeless.
And suddenly, a burst of light. Light and silence. It's breathtaking and beautiful, so pure and strong it knocks all the goblins and the dwarves off their feet. In the middle of the light and silence, we see the silhouette of Gandalf, holding his staff in one hand and his sword, the Foe-hammer, in the other. He doesn't look relaxed like his normal self, but he's not poised for grueling battle, either. He looks powerful and wise and nobody could ignore him. He looks like some nearly divine power come from a greater place.
And out of his mouth come the words:
Take arms! Fight! Fight!
The first two times I saw this, I loved this scene and it touched something in me, but I could never quite pinpoint what it was. This time I realized why it resonated so profoundly with me.
At this point in my life, I'm in a position where I have to constantly look to the future. That scares me. I don't want to settle for a normal life, I want to achieve things, I want to be something, I want to be happy and I want to feel that I've actively earned my happiness. Right now I don't know how to do those things. I have my own demons to face, some from my past, some from my self and some from anxiety about my future. And I think it's important for me to recognize that I do have anxiety about my future, and about my past. Not to a diagnosable degree, but it's certainly present in me and the way I feel about and deal with things. I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders, a lot of pressures, expectations, doubts and obstacles, metaphorical goblins kicking me in the side and beating me down until I'm lying there, completely hopeless.
I desperately want to defeat those demons. I often tell myself to never settle, to do everything I can to achieve the happiness and the dreams I want to fulfill, but it's hard, especially with all the odds against you, as they are predisposed to be.
That's why the image of Gandalf imploring the dwarves to fight is so powerful to me. He's telling them to get up, to take arms and shake of the goblins holding them down. Furthermore, he's telling them to fight their way out of the mountain. The entire time they're escaping, they're running headfirst into their enemies and fighting through them.
The way Gandalf says those words is so vehement and determined. It inspires me. He's not saving them. He's throwing them straight into the danger and telling them to stand proudly and do their best. He doesn't say anything about where they have to go or where they will be safe. He's simply telling them that they have to try. Because damn it all if they get hurt or they never get to the end. It's still better than if they hadn't tried.
So from now on, whenever I find myself weak or unresolved or afraid, I can think of Gandalf's words and feel encouraged. And I can think of the greatness of both Gandalf and Sir Ian McKellen, and I can try and fight my way through the goblins, out of the Misty Mountains, to the hope of reaching for my own greatness.
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