The Struggle is Real

I've been realizing slowly, and it's been formulating in my mind tonight, that if I want to make a fresh start and make my life more meaningful and full, I'm going to have to try harder.

Which, when I put it like that, seems super obvious. And it is. And I've known it for a while.

Scene: Amelia is presented with a facebook post by someone she's heard of, but doesn't actually know. They're asking for somebody to do something that Amelia could do. Amelia lies there and groans.

The thing is, I knew right away that I could do it. I have the abilities, I'll have the time. I knew it would be a nice thing to do, and I'm aware that I should do more things. But what if I just... didn't? That would be much easier.

I have this problem a lot. It's why I procrastinate so much, to an extent where it often could actually be really damaging, in particular to myself. But why do things, when you can just... not do things?

As I gear up for my third year of University, I feel very much in need of a fresh start. We're moving our of this apartment that I don't feel comfortable in any more, I'm leaving my stress with my ex-best-friend behind (although she'll still be around, and I'm going to have to work around that, too), I have a lovely boyfriend who is really good for me, and student loans should come in in September. But it's not going to work if I don't put the effort in.

I need to do more things, especially the kind of things that get me engaged and involved in this community of mine that I never quite feel a part of. I need to keep doing technical theatre things, even though I feel like I can't get the hang of it.

So I groaned and grumbled some more ("This person doesn't even know me", "It's not paid and I need to spend my time making money because I'm broke", "What are you doing with your life, anyway?") and I commented. Yes, hello, you don't know me, but I can do the thing.

And here we are. I'm practically signed up to spend 3 weeks pushing buttons and sliders on a board for a show I know nothing about. And that's a good thing.

I've been pushing myself to do a lot of things I don't really want to do these days. I kind of picture myself standing behind myself, listlessly shoving my annoyed and unenthusiastic body forward, going "just do it. You need to do it. Come on, get it done. Then it's done."

At least with the sound board, I can tell myself that I'll enjoy it once I'm doing it.

This weird and vague post is brought to you by Spotify, except not at all.

I'm alive!

Wow. I've been really terrible lately, huh?

Ok, yes. I haven't been blogging. At this point I've actually just given up on Project 365. It just doesn't fit into my life. I'm trying really hard to make positive changes, and enjoying the good things that happen to me. I'd rather be just living in those moments than pulling out a camera and taking a picture of it all. Especially because my life has become increasingly social - it's awkward to randomly take a picture around other people, and then explain that you're taking a picture a day for your blog, and then to have to explain that, yes, you have a blog, but nobody reads it and you really don't need to either. And sometimes, I'm so busy doing things I just forget to take pictures. So that's that.

But I haven't given up photography. I'm going to be sharing pictures I've taken every now and then.

Today, my old friend Haley apparently found my tumblr (the one connected to this blog and my youtube channel) and liked an old post. She has a pretty successful YouTube channel and collab channel, and she's super talented and funny and creative, so it was kind of embarrassing in that way where it makes you want to do a better job, like when you have people coming over and there's a chance they might see your room. It's like that, but also their own room is super clean and cool and just generally better than you - I mean, your room.

She also specifically liked a post I made ages ago saying I would be making more Pride and Prejudice posts, which, you know, hasn't happened. So that's a good reminder to get back on that. I'm dumb.

Fortunately, I've been having more content ideas, especially for videos. My biggest obstacle at the moment is actually time. I just got a job, and we're nearing the end of the school year, and I've been hanging out with a boy. In fact, at this very moment, I should be studying for a test tomorrow, I have to get my load of laundry, and I should go grocery shopping. But, just like now, I'm going to try my best to fit blogging in somehow anyway.

This post is rambly, and badly written. Deal with it?


I've been obsessed with this song recently. I've been obsessed with a lot of songs recently. Thanks spotify.

Project 365 - Week 4

Good God, is it Week 4 of 2015 already?! Oh dear.

22/365: We went to a fundraiser cabaret/r'n'b band dance party on Thursday night. The fundraiser was for a production of Spring Awakening, so the cast sang songs they would never get cast to sing in any actual production. I knew a couple people in the cast and the band. For instance, that guy on the right with the guitar has driven me and my friends to McDonald's and then home after a party (although I'm sure he doesn't remember me). Yeah, theatre people have the best events. And apparently there's something about Thursday nights in 2015.

23/365: There are so many beautiful and neat hidden gems and places in this city I get to call home, and I really need to explore more of them. This is Fan Tan Alley, downtown.

23.5/365 (I'm trying in some small way to make up for the fact that I missed TWO days last week): I may have done a little bit of shopping.

24/365: Look at this toaster. Isn't it just such a beautiful toaster? It reminds me of a stereotypical vintage diner in the movies. I got it for me and my roommates as a late Christmas present because I couldn't find them anything at the time. I'm going to go be fat now because toasted cinnamon raisin bagels are my crack.

25/365: I finally found a red bean cake! I've been looking for a proper one ever since I had one a couple years ago, but they're oddly hard to find? Except this one was FAR bigger than the original. I ate the whole thing and then never wanted to put anything in my body ever again. These things are so rich, you guys. But so tasty.

26/365: I was reading a play for acting class called An Evening For Merlin Finch. I took a photo of this line because I thought the stage direction was silly/funny. Thinking back, I was so innocent. I had not idea of the horrors to come. Seriously, An Evening For Merlin Finch is a bizarre, gruelling play to read. And not in a good way.

27/365: I finally caved and bought these amazing Banned Books Socks.

28/365: My favourite part of being a legal adult and buying alcohol is the pretty bottles. I collect my favourites, actually. (I drank this whole thing that night and actually got buzzed! This is highly unusual as I am the ultimate heavyweight)

PSA ugh god I need a new layout. I will get on that very soon, I promise.