Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Project 365 - Week 3


15/365: I just realized I don't think I actually took a picture on this day. I'm poop.


16/365: I made the mistake of walking through the flower section entrance to the grocery store. So now I've adopted 3 baby spring plants!

17/365: I got a popcorn machine! It goes all over the place and I need to get the hang of it, but we can't make popcorn in our microwave because it's too tiny.

18/365: Far too far into the New Year, Kate and I finally watched and did the Big Fat Quiz of the Year. I think we got 24/41, which on a test is a pass and is only 1 less than the last place team on the show. Considering that we're not even British, I think we did alright.

19/365: I did nothing cool or fun. I didn't even go to class. That's Mondays for you.

20/365: This is a phone picture. I was sitting in the design room at school, doing my homework, when I looked at the mess of drafting tools and supplies I had made and thought "hey perfect", but then I realized I didn't bring my camera to school for some reason (probably because my bag already seemed to full due to all these supplies). I can't decide it it's cool or sad that this picture seems almost as good as those from my DSLR.

21/365: After class, my friend Tori and I wandered around campus for a while filming a video for my weekly contribution to my university's student blog project. Right after finishing, dusk was just beginning and the lights had turned on already, and this image was just so pretty.

Monday, December 1, 2014

University Blogger

Being a student can be hard. But it's also be exciting, fascinating, and rewarding. And though this might sound like a cliché, it really is one of the best times of your life, as far as I can tell. If nothing else, it's certainly an adventure. Everyone's adventure is different, and being surrounded by all those different, individual adventures is part of the fun of it.

That's why I want to share my adventure. I'm so passionate about storytelling, and sharing different experiences and perspectives. It's why I'm so addicted to the internet and social media: it's millions of people, sharing their life, their experience, in their little way. And from that sharing of experiences, you can learn so much. You can identify with others, you can discover things you never knew about, you can sympathise with or learn from others' mistakes. It's why I started a video series about university last year, so that people in High School could get an idea of what university is like and how it works, from someone who's practically still them, just a little further ahead. I find getting advice or learning from people my own age or a little older is the most helpful, because I really feel they understand what my views, problems, and needs are.

On top of all this, my perspective of university is also a little more uncommon than most; sure, I have the same or similar overall experience, but I'm also a Fine Arts student. Most of my classes, being in the Phoenix Theatre, is physically outside the Ring (the circular road that runs around the center of campus, and holds its, arguably, most important buildings - I'm literally out of the loop). As I am an artist, and my education is often approached in a less traditional, more hands-on way, I believe I have a fresh and unique perspective on the whole student experience thing.

All this to say, I would really love to have a chance to document and share and talk about my life and journey here at UVic, and I truly believe I would be good at it. I mean, I've already started doing that in a broader sense on my personal blog and my YouTube channel (and what's driven me in that has never been my non-existant audience, but rather the desire to document, share, and reflect). It would be great to have a chance to do that in a more official and community-driven environment.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Objects in Motion

I'm not feeling very happy right now.

My first year of university has just ended, and honestly, looking back, it feels like a waste, a giant mistake. Of course I've had great times and made wonderful friends, but right now it feels like even the best parts only make the whole more bearable.

I didn't get anything I wanted. And the worst part is that I know that in both cases, the fault is entirely mine. Both things I wanted - and boy did I want them, more than anything I've ever wanted before except to go home - I missed out on because I didn't recognize my chances when they arose, and I didn't take them enough. All my regret is the result of my own inaction. So that adds an extra layer of self-loathing.

I'm experiencing that very familiar feeling: I feel like I'm at the really bad part of a nightmare, where everything has gone wrong, and I'm so lost and desperate; the good thing about nightmares is when it gets really bad, I can jerk myself awake and the mistakes and horrors are erased - and I learn my lesson. I wish I could turn back time and redo this whole year, knowing what I did wrong, or what I just didn't do. It's a familiar feeling - I've wished for something similar since 2007, when we moved to Canada.

But this isn't a dream. So how do you move on? What do you do when you wake up in the morning?

I spent a year at university just getting by and have come out of it with practically nothing. I can't pursue my dream, not here, not yet. I can't share my love and happiness and passion with the wonderful person with whom I wish I could. And I want to come back here, I really do, because this place feels something like home and I could make it so, but how can I live day to day in a place where I'll be reminded every day of my failure, of the things I could have had, but don't?

You can see why I kind of gave up on my university advice videos. I'm the last person who should be talking about that stuff.

The advice I can give is this: Say yes. Do everything. Do it as hard and as well as you can. Never settle for enough. The scarier, the better. If you think you might regret something, that is the thing most worth doing. You'll never regret doing something as much as you'll regret not doing it. Take life by the throat, shake it, and make it yours.

I know that now.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

How It's Started

Day 1 of Project Get Your Life Together You Idiot (working title) went relatively well.

The biggest problems were a horribly sore throat and a headache in the afternoon, which, granted, I can't blame myself for. I did get my to-do list done though, and more! I returned my friend's books as well as the library's, I took out the garbage, I drank over a litre of water, I had tea (although I left it in too long so it tasted gross), and I printed out that day planner. Unfortunately, I only had enough credit left to print out two sheets. But it's alright, because I decided to get an actual daily planner. Today I looked in the campus book store, as well as the local one and the drug store, but didn't find a good one. So tomorrow morning before class I'm going to head out to Staples and hopefully get a good one, and maybe some page tags (and some stickers to be honest because of course). I'm still going to go hike after class, but I don't think I'm going to see Cass in time to take her camera. But I intend this hike to be the first of many, so I'm sure I'll have many opportunities for pretty pictures. Of course I can clean up as well, and fortunately I just finished the assignment I was going to work on. That means I can work on my resume tomorrow. I'm going to go to the secret beach on Wednesday instead of Friday (more on that in a second), and then clean up my room some more. Thursday will stay the same as I planned last night. And Friday is a complete write-off because I'm doing lighting hours all day. By the time I'm done at 5, I'll be too tired and sore to do anything. Besides, by that time, I'll need some down time for sure.

If I want to get anything done on the weekend I'll have to do it in the mornings, because I'll be doing lighting hours both evenings after rehearsal. My goal is to give my resume to Bolen Books on Tuesday. I would say Monday, but my classes are so awkwardly spaced out that I don't have a good time to drop it off, except maybe at lunch time.

Today's track is "Angels" by The xx, just because it happens to be playing on my songza playlist right now.

In other, but related, news, Galapril is now my phone lockscreen to inspire me and because she's so damn pretty.

I will leave you with this fun fact (or tidbit, if you will): If it weren't for the whole acting thing, I would totally have dreadlocks. Well, I would grow out my hair and then make them dreadlocks. Whatever. You get it.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Dealing With Things Is Hard

I'm leaving campus, and the island, far behind me on Tuesday, at least for a few weeks. That includes dealing with schoolwork, thinking about next semester, and my interminable crush. All those things will be out of sight, and therefore hopefully out of mind. But until then, I'm still stuck here for a bit.

And, of course, leaving behind one side of my reality doesn't mean that the world stops being real. Once I'm back at "home", I have to look into what options I have open to me next year, in case I don't want to stay here, which is certainly a possibility. I mean, I love most things about being here, but between my pathetic infatuation, anxiety about what I'm doing with my future, and not even knowing if I'll be able to study acting specifically, my running instinct is in high gear. I came here to run away from my past, from High School and from a city I didn't want to live in. Right now I'm feeling the urge to run away again, but I have no idea what to, and I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's just Cabin Fever. I haven't left the city for a month, and mostly I'm stuck on campus. I'm very ready to get away and spend some time with my closest friends. Maybe when I come back in January, I'll feel better. I'll have to, because I'll be having rehearsals on the weekends so it's looking bad for taking any weekends off all spring. So I'll either have to find some other way to fight the claustrophobia, or become suddenly a lot more contented with my everyday life. Or maybe my second semester will be easier than my first because I'll have had time to get used to things?

One thing I can hold on to is that my best friend Kendra are intending to actually do music things. If it wasn't so unrealistic and difficult, I would drop everything, we would make music together and go on the road to play it for people. But for now, I have to finish at least this second semester, and then we'll be devoting the summer to songwriting and music making. Who knows how that will turn out, but at the very least it'll be fun.

Really I just want to be cool and hip and work as an actor and make music on the side and make videos and have enough money to actually have a nice wardrobe. And travel lots.

So, you know, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

This post is brought to you by Mystery Jets (not really), because this song is so lovely, because it's from my all-time favourite Songza playlist, and because I want Laura Marling's super cool voice.

More comprehensive, life-update-y post coming soon. Apologies to the zero people who read this blog for my extended absence.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Real Talk

It's all getting very real around here.

I've graduated high school. I got two awards worth $500 each and I got my bilingual diploma (French immersion, bro). I had my Grad, with fancy gowns and a limo and too much champagne on an empty stomach. We barrelled through the awkward "this is so cliché" phase, threw aloof hipsterness to the wind and danced our hearts out until we couldn't breathe. It was beautiful, and it was the last time I saw most people in my grad class, and the last time all my friends and I were together. Ever. That's the scary part.


I'm just very used to all of us being in the same place all the time. And there's that safety net of "we'll all be back for holidays" to save you from having to address the fact that you're no longer going to see the people closest to you on a daily basis any more. Which is especially hard because we established a lunchtime routine this past year. It was mostly unspoken and that's what our group friendship was based on and relied on.

But I was the link between two groups of people. I was the reason they didn't avoid each other, the reason my two best friends talked to and were friendly with my other best friend. The reason we all hung out together sometimes. And Grad was the last time that happened. In history.

The very tangible realness of it all is what's hitting me these days; It's paralysing me. Besides my jobs, I'm getting nothing done, I can't plan things properly, and I'm avoiding any actual planning for the fall that needs doing. I'm not even sure what it is that's scaring me so much, I just know it's so very, very absolute, that fear.


And so, I sit around on my brand new computer, playing video games and being generally unsatisfied. (With video games, not my new computer. "Rory" is perfect.)

One thing I have finally accomplished, though, is filming my first vlog. I find myself still putting off posting it. Right now it's the fact that I imply something about somebody dying, and the last thing I want is for people to think I'm talking about Cory Monteith. Heaven knows I feel sorry about it and for Lea Michele, but it didn't impact me personally. But I'm thinking tomorrow I'll upload it. And then I can start promoting it and get it out there and start the tumblr. I'm really excited for that (if you like the music recommendations/features I do on this blog, follow the tumblr cause there'll be loads of those, promise).

So, how to get through paralysis?

I guess the only thing there is to do is take it one day at a time. Start with the small stuff, easy things.

So, tomorrow, what I'll aim to do is:
- Make the header for the Fueled by Young Spirit channel and the twitter
- Upload the video
- Put on the slowcooker for dinner
- Start to go shopping for rain boots, an umbrella and pajamas (Target is opening tomorrow, so that should help). I hope Tee is free so I don't have to face it alone. I hate shopping when I need to do it, and love it when I can't afford it.
- Work out

There. It's in writing. Maybe that means I'll do it all.

Also I really need a new blog layout.


We Are The City's new album Violent is excellent. This is my favourite track, because of the fullness of the sound and it goes along with my preoccupation over "losing" my friends. The band members actually come from the place I live right now. Represent!

this post's illustrations are by this photo-magician lady. I really hope she doesn't mind me using them.

Monday, April 8, 2013

It's Going To Be A Little Robot

Wow, it's been a long time. How is it already April? Time, man.

As expectations would have it, loads of stuff has happened. I just went home to Germany for three weeks in March. There's so much to talk about in that trip, but it's really a very private topic and experience for me. So, that's where I draw the line, I suppose: The internet can read about my panic attacks, romantic attachments, and artistic passions, but not a trip I took to Europe.

There are loads of other things happening, though. Life is kind of crazy at the moment because I'm still trying to catch up on having missed four days of school. Meanwhile, I'm looking into the future as well. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's official: after ages of procrastination and multitudes of nervous breakdowns, I have completed submitting all the things I needed to submit to UBC and UVic. It's a relief to know that for better or for worse, it's out of my hands now. Now it's just time to wait and see what fate has in store for me.


Also, have you noticed that spring is here? (Unless it's not where you are. Sorry about that. I feel you; Germany was super cold all March)


In other news, my directing class is finally coming to a head. After a year of wondering where our teacher had gone off to and learning very little, we're directing 10-minute plays to be performed in something we call "Play Marathon" at our school. I'm actually very excited to pull together my own production, however short it may be. The play I've chosen is called Circuits and it's written by Rachel Lepore. It's funny, it's cute, it has a lot of heart, and it's also angsty. I'm not going to give too much away, because I know the only person who ever reads this blog is going to experience it live. I have to get my butt moving, though, because my Director's Script is due on Wednesday.

As to future plans for this blog, I intend to do some DIY projects this summer once I have more time on my hands, so watch this space for that kind of stuff! Also in the hopefully-not-too-far future, I'll be doing some more internet-y things, possibly involving a camera...??? We'll see how that goes, I'd really love to have that come together and work out. Again, details later.

In music news, I saw Said The Whale on Wednesday! I haven't seen them live in what seems like forever, and they played some new music as well. I got a shirt, which I've wanted to do every time they were in town, but never did. I'm looking forward to seeing them a lot more frequently if I move to Vancouver. IF that's where I get accepted.

Today's song is brought to you by Ben Worcester's amazing performance of it on Wednesday. (hey look, this one's live, too!)


(This post's illustration shamelessly has no source. It's naked. What a scandalous illustration. Put some clothes on, illustration, we're both tired.)

Monday, January 21, 2013

Literature Ladies

This is the text for a project I did for Literature class. I did my project on how women are portrayed and seen in various pieces of literature and in different time periods. I also drew a picture for each entry. I might add those pictures to this post later. Or I might not.

The Rape Of the Lock
The entire purpose of Pope's poem is to mock Belinda's overreaction at having a piece of her hair cut off by an admiring Baron, so she's automatically made to look a bit ridiculous and over dramatic.
The character of Belinda is very daring. She challenges two men to a card game, and wins. When she is wrong, i.e. her hair is cut off, she makes a huge fuss and gets everybody in uproar at the offence. This shows that she is not the kind of person to back down.
Belinda is very vain. The best example of this is because she makes such a big deal about her lost hair. She has also spent all day working on her appearance for this social event, as have all the other fine ladies.
Despite protesting once he cuts off her hair, Belinda is flirtatious with the Byron. It is for this reason that he wants to cut off a piece of her hair; they've been flirting and he wants a token of her. The fact that she's made many men pine for her is also mentioned in the poem.
Despite her frivolity, Pope paints her as being supported by many protective spirits and muses, all of whom also get up in arms when her hair is cut. This shows some admiration for her determination and character.

The Lady of Shalott
The poem is about a Lady who is trapped on a lonely island on a river. She can't leave, because she is cursed to never participate in real life or else die. She must sit in her tower, weaving, and can only watch the outside world through the reflection of a mirror. She's clearly not happy, but she is resigned to her fate until a certain Sir Lancelot rides by.
When Sir Lancelot of Camelot rides by and the Lady of Shalott sees him, she wakes from her stupor, gets in a boat that she inscribes with her name, and rides down the river. By the time she reaches Camelot, she is dead. The King, Queen, Lancelot and all the people mourn the waste of such a pretty soul.
Even though it doesn't work out for her, the Lady's act of leaving her solitary, meaningless existence is admirable. She isn't satisfied with her situation, so she finally gets up and leaves towards the real world she's been watching for so long. Even though she knows she will die, she decides that fate is worth it if it occurs in an effort to get above her worthless existence.
It's a bit unfortunate that what motivated her had to be seeing a gallant man on a horse, but the sentiment is admirable all the same. In fact, it shows that she is actively going after something, even if it is only a sort of vision.

To The Ladies
This poem is overall very resentful towards the institution of marriage. In fact, Lady Mary Chudleigh compares wives to servants, saying the only difference is that a wife has a title and is not paid for her labours and obedience. Marriage is described as "the fatal knot", which implies that once married, a wife is practically dead and does not live a real life of her own.
She says that a husband rules his wife completely, and she must obey and submit to his commands.
This shows wives in the early 18th century as suppressed, mistreated creatures. This is probably accurate, as marriage was a very unequal contract then and women were seen as objects to be acquired or to manage rather than actual people. Lady Mary Chudleigh writing this poem, however, puts her in stark contrast to the existence she has described in her poem.
It's rather unfortunate that at the end of the poem she dedicates a few lines to saying things along the lines of "all men are horrible, you must protect yourself and shun them", as that has been an attitude that feminists have been criticized and ridiculed for a lot over time.

My Last Duchess
As we only get an account of the Duchess from her resentful widower, we can't really paint a realistic picture of her character, but it is an excellent medium for seeing how women would have been viewed in the Italian Renaissance. The poem was written around 1842, centuries after the time it is set in, and Robert Browning was fascinated by the psychology of the age of rebirth. The character of the Duke is seen as a bit of a psychotic man, as well as very possessive, jealous and forbidding.
If one puts the Duke's bias aside, the late Duchess seems like a lovely girl, very happy and pleasant. She might have blushed at practically everything, but she also seems to have been unassuming and courteous. Considering the situation from her perspective, the Duke probably had absolutely no reason to be jealous of anyone, which goes to show that he's rather extreme, especially seeing as he probably had his wife killed.
The Duchess certainly seems to be more an object the Duke purchased than a person he married. If you consider the historical characters the poem is inspired by, this certainly rings true. The Duchess was a Medici when the later all-powerful family was still establishing its wealth and prominence. She would have been married of to the Duke when she was 14 for money, connections and influence. The fact that the match was advantageous for her and her family would have caused an even more significant power imbalance in her marriage.
The reason the Duke was unhappy with her was that she seemed too happy all the time. This seems like a strange grievance to have, but the problem is actually that the Duke resents the thought of anyone complimenting his wife and he is also displeased that she seems just as pleased by insignificant gifts as she was by being married to him. Her smile is pretty much the same for anyone and anything, and she smiles at everything.
The creepiest part of the poem is that he's telling this story to somebody with whom he's negotiating his second marriage with. This shows that he really didn't care about what he did to his first wife. Also, the fact that the man he's talking to is still going along with the negotiations goes to show how insignificant women were at the time.

Emily Dickinson
Emily Dickinson wrote almost 1800 peoms in her lifetime, as well as carrying out a vast amount of correspondence with various acquaintances. Despite this, she had barely a dozen published while she was alive. Nearly all of her work and personality came to life only after she had died.
"Because I could not stop for Death" is one of her most famous poems, and is one of many examples of her fixation on death and immortality. She never married and lived an introverted and increasingly reclusive life in her parents' house until her own death in 1886 at the age of 55. In the later part of her life, she became known as an eccentric in her hometown of Amherst. She took to never leaving her house and eventually insisting on talking to visitors through a door. In fact, even people she was in regular correspondence with didn't see her for years. When people did see her, she was always wearing white.
In terms of her writing, she did not fit into her time at all. Her punctuation, rhyme patterns, and capitalization was unconventional, and in fact all her poems were edited heavily before publication for a long time, in order to suit the taste of the time.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Arson

I have a problem.

It's called confrontation.

Mostly, it presents itself when somebody asks me something about myself that I haven't actively determined yet.

"What's your favourite book? Favourite movie? What's the nicest place you've visited?"

And suddenly I blank. I am an illiterate bookstore worker who's never even seen a video and who has never left her house. I literally have no recollection of any book, movie or place I've ever experienced. Actually.

And in situations like that, I can mostly blow it off as, "Oh, you know, there are still so many books I want to read, as a bookstore worker it's really hard because you'll never have enough time... Oh, I just like movies in general, I quite liked [most recently released movie title]... Well, I've really been all over the place..."

Applications? Not so easy to do that.

I don't think I've ever known a phrase so horrible and terrifying as DESCRIBE YOURSELF TO THE COMMITTEE. That's a terrible question. I hate the committee. I do not want the committee to know me. The committee can't HANDLE the truth. Fight the man.

Of course, not only do I have to talk about myself (ugh), I have to make myself sound fancy (double ugh) and good (not possible. Also, ugh). Quite a few scholarships hang on this.

Arson is sounding like a really nice option.

No seriously, on top of all this, they want me to "include a description of your passions and motivations and explain how they relate to your educational plans and goals."

Kill me.

"I am        um           ...       ...uh.

I can't even come up with a mock/informal/joke description of myself. I literally cannot talk about myself. I can maybe force myself to talk about my experiences, something very, very specific about myself or put a lot of myself into a character. But describing myself or talking about myself is actually not possible. I simply don't know how.

I was hoping that writing would get... I don't know, something rolling. But no such luck.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

A Desperate Cry into the Vast Space of my own Insignificance

It's early admission application time at UBC this month. I have to get to work on it today because I don't have a whole lot of time before December 10, which is when it's due.

This is terrifying.

I am terrified.

Out of my mind.

I'm facing my entire future. I have to decide what I want to do, where I want to go and nobody will give me a straight answer when I ask for information or advice. All I hear all the time is "follow your dream/happiness". I'm 17. How the HELL am I supposed to know what my dream is, not to mention how to follow it?! People expect me to start being an adult, but I have no idea how to do that and nobody will tell me. How am I supposed to suddenly know how to be an adult without having ever been one before? How do I face the world and my life when I don't know what it looks like or where it is?



Another scary part of this is that I'm facing a change similar to the one that destroyed me a few years ago. Once again, I'm faced with leaving every comfort and everything I know and love behind and facing an entirely new life. This time, I'll be completely alone, without even my mother to guide me. I'm still not even out of the emotional wreckage of the last big move, and probably never will be, and now I have to move on again.

As ever, I am a mess of contradictions. I'm terrified of change, of moving on, of leaving things behind and of being forgotten. And yet I have one of the greatest escape/running away/avoidance instincts you'll ever encounter. When confronted with difficulty, struggle or emotion, I tend to run the other way like my life depends on it. And in those moments, it does seem like my life, my very being, depends on it. Depends on my ability to prevent damage, to preserve myself and shield myself from the world.

It's ironic that I'm starting to feel that way about my life currently. I'm very emotionally invested here, and there are a lot of things I find myself needing to escape from, to remove myself from. And yet, the way that I can escape requires me to face my future. I'm kind of stuck between two giant walls, and can't go sideways, and I'm panicking.

As much as I want to leave, though, there are some things here that I know I can't live without. I completely depend on certain things here, most significantly my three best friends. I know this for a fact. A little while ago, two of them were gone for a week, and I nearly imploded. I don't know what I would have done if Tee hadn't been there. I got anxious, stressed out and could actually barely function. Losing that support in 8 months is even harder to face than leaving Germany was when I was still there, because now I'm consciously aware of how much I rely on it and what losing it will do to me.




This song goes well with this post because I went to see Windmills in concert recently and when he played this song, I got overwhelmed with exactly the feelings that this post is about. Live music is incredibly powerful.

The illustrations on this post are photos by him and her.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Redefining Happiness and Truth

I knew it would only be a matter of time before this blog inevitably came back to books. We've just read Brave New World in English and now we're discussing it. It's one heck of a strange read, let me tell you, but there's a lot of interesting concepts that can be drawn from it. There's nothing like a strange, futuristic world that has nothing to do with you to make you reflect on your own situation.

A big topic of discussion in today's class was the concept of dystopia versus utopia. Of course, over all, to us, the novel is definitely dystopic. People are enslaved by their conditioning and their own contentment, meanwhile human nature is being systematically denied and controlled, and the entire world is run by 10 World Controllers. But to the majority of people in that world, is it really bad? If happiness is all we live for, why should they fight a government that serves to make them happy? Can they be truly happy if they don't know what it's like to not be happy? If all the factors for happiness are present, and they're told they're happy, are they actually happy? It's a mind-boggling concept. And of course, what makes truth? If we believe something to be true, does that make it a fact or only a belief? People believed the world was flat once, and accepted that to be true. And why shouldn't they? Who knows what humbug we believe today that future scholars will laugh at us for? Maybe the sky isn't blue. Who ever looked at the sky and said, "That's a nice colour, I'm going to call it B-L-U-E. Bloo. That sounds good." To be honest, "bloo" is a strange word. We believe our planet exists in a system of planets that rotates around a giant, burning, glowy orb, and yet most of us have no concrete proof of it. Sure, reliable scientists tell us there's proof out there, but we've never seen it for ourselves. We believe it because we've been raised to know it's true.

We found it very hard, in class, to separate ourselves as readers from the perspective of Brave New World's general population. To us, their world is an incomplete, machine-like place. But to them, there's nothing wrong with it. As individuals, they have a good life: They're happy, safe, entertained and healthy. It's only at the larger level that things start to get problematic, and the sacrifices, dangers and hypocrisy come to light. That's why Huxley's imagined government would be so effective: On a whole, they wouldn't have to control rebellion very much, because nobody would have any motivation to rebel. Of course, there are exceptions, but that's what the book is there for.

It's been an interesting topic, and book, to discuss. And it's only gonna get more crazy from here, kids.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Leaping to a Thousand Fires

Recently, I've been struggling to keep up with things. There always seems to be something else that needs doing, more work I haven't finished yet. I have a list of 5 books that I need to read, two of them are library books, one is for class and another is my best friend's. In fact, the only book I own is the one I'm reading right now and really don't need to be putting first: The Diviners. But alas! I have practically no time to read! When I'm not at rehearsal (which is just sitting around being bored, really, but I need to be there) I have homework, and when I'm done with that I need to clean up the mess that continues to pile up, and after that I need to catch up on the sleep I'm missing.

The problem here, of course, is that what I'm doing is trying to stay on top of things. I'm putting out fires. I'm getting assignments done the night before they're due and I'm only managing to clear enough stuff out of my room so that I can see my floor. There's a constant queue of things ahead of me on my to-do list and I feel like I'm always forgetting yet another thing that should be on that list. Sometimes, I do forget. Within the past one and a half weeks, I've had my dad come to pick me up twice, only to drive straight back home because I forgot to tell him I wasn't going somewhere. It's those kinds of little things that just keep slipping through my grasp, and it's frustrating, because I feel bad (because it's affecting other people and/or it's not being done) and because I'm scared that one of these days, what I forget about will be something huge and devastatingly major. And especially this year, I can't afford for anything like that to happen.

Speaking of which, that's my other problem. In being consumed by the mundane, immediate things, I don't have any energy or time left for bigger things, like keeping track of scholarship deadlines and university application dates. This year I need to be thinking about my future, but how can I do that when all I'm able to do is face one week at a time? I can't build a bridge while putting out fires.

In a rare bout of screw-everything-I-need-time-to-not-do-anything recently, I watched Moulin Rouge! and LOVED it. It's fantastically done all around, but I must say this was my absolute favourite part:


The arrangement is perfect, the singing is awesome, the acting is heartbreaking, and the staging is spectacular. As the movie's climax, it's many people's favourite. It just blows my mind. And Jacek Koman's powerful, gravelly voice is wonderful and really perfect in this. It could never have been as good without his singing. Plus Ewan McGregor is a babe. But everyone already knew that.

I'm thinking of putting music at the end of my posts more often. It's fun. This one is a video because it's equally stunning visually as it is in terms of music.

Friday, October 12, 2012

My, was I surprised

I got the giant project done! Well, at least for now. Mind you, I did work until 2 am the night before it was due. But in my defense I had a really full schedule earlier this week. Still do, actually.

But it's done! It's a GIANT weight off my shoulders, and now all I need to do is get a reference letter, a career interview and make the whole thing look nice in time for the presentation, which is in November.

Now, of course, I have to move on to other things! I have way too much too read, as ever, and I need to get on some scholarship applications. Also, I need to contact the director of the Theatre Royale in Barkerville. I was going to contact him about auditioning for next summer, but unfortunately I believe I'm going to have to change my reason for contacting him to letting him know I won't be able to do it this year, because as far as I can tell, rehearsals start before I graduate. Hopefully I'll be able to do it when I'm at university next year though, because my school year will have ended sooner.

Ah, I do love Fridays. Well, okay, I don't love today, because it's really busy and it didn't start out well, but I love the fact that it's Friday and the fact that it being Friday means that the weekend is nearly nigh! I'm really looking forward to this weekend, because I'm going windowshopping with Tee tomorrow morning, and then my mom and I are going to a fancy resort for the weekend. There's spa stuff and nice things there. It's hella expensive, but it's been my mom's idea from the get-go and I've warned her about that fact multiple times, so I'm absolving myself of responsibility.

One wonderful thing that happened today was that Libba Bray tweeted to me today!!!!!!!! AAAAHHH I CAN'T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT I APOLOGIZE FOR BLATANT IMMATURE FANGIRLING BUT I'M NOT SORRY! I actually couldn't contained myself this morning when I saw it. I'm going to blame my excitement about this for my being 20 minutes late to class this morning, because "I missed the 10 o'clock bus for no reason" is just too pathetic to admit.


"she says, HOPEFULLY" HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS MY IDOL WAS HOPEFUL ABOUT ME BEING THERE OR SOMETHING I LITERALLY CANNOT

Also I'd like to mention that we share the same favourite swearword. It was my favourite even before Beauty Queens and before I figured out it was her favourite but then those things just solidified my preference. I mean, that's a really weird and kind of pathetic thing to have in common with your hero but it's a really great word and also it's not the only thing about her that I identify with.
(the word is shit)

And I will leave you now with one of the greatest songs I know.


There is a story behind this. Not a story as to how I discovered the song, or the wonderful, miraculous band (it started with Tap Tap Revenge a few years ago and it's just been a beautiful love affair since then), but a story of now, and why I thought of this particular song today.

In English, we're discussing Brave New World and genetic modification was mentioned. My best friend, who sits beside me, prompted me about this song (we've both been obsessed for a long time). All their music is mindblowing and perfect and makes me really happy. Especially this song. It's wonderful, because it takes the concept of artificial alteration, and all its serious connotations, and sort of treats it very concisely, eloquently and with a sort of semi-comical removedness that's very refreshing. At the same time, it's extremely intimate, relevant and emotional. It just beautiful, intense, holy-crap-inducing stuff. (this post's title is a lyric from this song)

Monday, October 8, 2012

I Should Be Sleeping, Or Working

So. It's almost 1 am and I work this morning. I make good choices. Luckily my shift starts at 11, so I can afford to stay up a little while longer, just long enough to write this post.

I was in Vancouver over the weekend. It was really nice and fun to be there, especially since I intend to make it my home in less than a year (yikes). We did a lot, and my mom even consented to go shopping. She actually bought stuff for herself. A lot of stuff. Of course, I had my mandatory visit at Zelen, and got a pair of sneakers. I also got a pair of boots, and a bunch of other things I needed. I do so love fall. Downtown Vancouver is lovely, and I love the kinds of people you see there. The biggest problem is that you'll never be as stylish as the asian people who hang out there. It's true; they're all fabulous.

Today yesterday, we went trail riding for an hour. I really liked being on a horse. It comes naturally to me somehow, but much as I'd love to I can't regularly ride. After that, we went to see my cousin's softball game. Soon thereafter I had to get on the plane and head home. My mom is staying down at the Coast the whole week, but I had to head back last night already because I work today. And then, you know, school. Whatever.

The big giant elephant-in-the-room-that-is-my-mind problem is that I got practically nothing done on my big grad project. I brought my laptop down with me and everything, and I really did try, but I think I wrote maybe two paragraphs. I hate my work ethic, or rather lack thereof. There's no way I'm going to get it done by Wednesday, especially because today and Tuesday are already full anyway. I just really hope my teacher expects some of them to be late. I mean, it's ridiculous that he's expecting it to be handed in now, when the actual presentation is sometime in November. I'll probably try and do as much as possible tonight (monday evening), even though I have Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's to go to (yaaaaay...). Sleep is for the weak, as they say. And by they, I mean I. I say that. A lot.

Man, if I had the time and somebody to take pictures of me without thinking I'm loony, I would totally do some sort of style post with some of the clothes I've gotten recently. #amateurbloggerproblems

God, I wish it was a year from now, with me at University and grad over and done with.

Expect more bloggy things later this week, when I actually have time to write about some stuff I actually want to write about. Philosophical, think-y stuff. It all depends on how quickly I can get my work done. And how distracted I get. But I'll try to restrict that last one.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Lullaby For An Anxious Child

It would seem that today is an anxious day. I get these every once in a while. They're days where everything seems doomed and I question everything: My situation, my achievements, my life goals, the way I look. Usually I manage to lie to myself enough to mask those doubts (Oh yeah, sure, going into theatre is a great plan! You can do it! Leaving this really long project to a week before it's due is fiiine. No, you're not overloading yourself with work, you have GREAT work ethic, you can do it all. Oh no, you can totally go to school with barely any makeup, your skin doesn't look that bad. It's just because you haven't found the right guy, they're all immature douchebags anyway...), but on days like this, it just seems like the world is going to come crashing down around me. Because, I might as well face it, I'm graduating, and when I graduate, the world pretty much is going to come crashing down. I'll be responsible for my own future, even though I don't even want to face it and it terrifies me. I'll have to fend for my own in life, and nobody's really going to be right there to care about me or for me. The people who will care will have enough of their own problems to deal with. I really do hope I can go to Vancouver with Tee next school year, but she's going to have her own issues to deal with when we're there.

And good God! It's October! There's so much that needs doing! I have a big project due on the 10th that's about exactly this, actually, except I have to pretend that I know how my future is going to fall into place. I have to work on my Halloween costume and there's only a month and a half before the opening night of the Secret in the Wings. Scholarship applications are due, and some Universities are already saying you need to apply! I need to get forms signed by my boss. I have to deal with obliterating a crush I have on a friend I barely see anymore.

And then there's Em, my best friend, with a shining future ahead of her! She knows exactly where she wants to go, and she will go there, because she's ridiculously good and dedicated to her schoolwork and because she can go there with a speed skating scholarship, or at least speed skate at the same time. She's taking a bajillion courses, is reading Mein Kampf for crying out loud, trains something like twice a day and somehow still has a functioning social life. And here I am, Lazy McSlothPants, who can barely talk to strangers, especially male ones, who has no idea how she's ever going to make it in the world. And somehow we're friends.

My other two best friends might not be as ridiculously hard-working as Em. But Tee knows that she wants to go into filmmaking, the side of it that actually pays and has some job stability, and she knows what school she wants to go to. She's really studious and gets stuff done. (I know you're reading this. It's true. As far as I know, you also don't have ridiculous crushes on boys who don't look at you twice.) And Kendra is going into psychology. And I know she'll make it, because she somehow always does.

Somehow I've already let myself slack off again. At the beginning of the year I was extremely gung-ho and determined not to let anything come in the way of doing the best I can. Somehow that focus has shifted again. But it's my last chance, and I need to get myself back on track. So you might see some more evidence of me trying to do that from now on.

Long-term, I'm seriously considering dropping out of grad council. I won't have time to help out with the events they're responsible for and my biggest incentive for staying is that it might look good on applications for University or for scholarships. But it's really not all that important and I need to focus on other things. I also need to think about going on a sort-of hiatus from tumblr for a while, or at least put some strict limitations on how much I use it. I'll miss it like crazy, but it's too much of a distraction and I'll still be using it a little. I've also thought about quitting Orchestra, but I just can't face that.

This week, I need to spend my free time doing any homework I have (prioritized by how soon it's due) and when I'm done that, work on my big project and/or apply to scholarships. When I'm satisfyingly done those things, I have to clean up my room, most specifically my clothes. And when I've done all those things, I can spend my time reading, blogging or doing something active. I can only spend 15 minutes at a time on tumblr, with a total of an hour a day. The exception to these restrictions is when there's a new episode of specific shows on (Castle, Downton Abbey, Once Upon A Time... That's it. I was going to say Doctor Who but that's over, waaaaahhhh).

Thursday, September 27, 2012

A Jungle of Words and Stories

In my last English class, we were asked to write a paragraph about what makes a good book. Fantastic!, I thought, I have all these feelings about books! The only problem was, of course, tht I was restricted by formal language and it having to be a single paragraph. And, you know, it would be a bit awkward to happy-rant about awesome book things on a document I had to hand in to my teacher. But here, I can do whatever I want! I can disregard all of society's expectations and restrictions! Of course, I choose to use this freedom to talk about books. (not rebellious enough? Ok: oogeli-poop. There you go. I wouldn't put that on an essay. Satisfied?)

Because I work in a bookstore, I have a pretty good idea of what books are good and what qualifies a book as being good. I also know that there are vastly different opinions on this front. So let me change that to "I have a pretty good idea of what books most people consider good and what usually qualifies a book as being popularly thought of as good or worthwhile." (That sentence had more political correctness in it than everything I've written this schoolyear put together) There's a very palpable difference between people saying "Oh, yeah, that was a good book, I enjoyed it," and the reaction of "Oh my God, that book was so fantastic! I loved it, it was great!" And then there's the books that don't even get a verbal reaction, more of a slight grimace and a "Yeeeaahh... it was... all right." The good books are usually the ones that sell steadily, the ones people have heard of and of which we usually have at least one copy in the store. The great books are the ones everyone has heard of, that people have heard fantastic things about, the books of which we have a gazillion copies, so many that even after filling their space on the shelf and the bestseller display, we still have so many copies to put away that we have no idea what to do with them all. And the bad books... well, you can just talk to a bookseller, and they'll get a knowing glint in their eye, even while saying, "Oh, they're not that bad, if that's your kind of thing." You can't say that bookstore workers don't try to justify literature. But, you know, you don't want to have to justify it.

But honestly, let's think about what a good book should be about, what most people hold important in a good book. For most people, that factor is entertainment. (for the purpose of this blogpost, I'm excluding things like textbooks or dictionaries or inspirational books. Chicken Soup For The Soul or The Four Agreements don't have to be entertaining, but they're still good. The Secret is, however, entertaining in its concept. But then I don't know how good it is, because I've never wanted to read it) Whether stories hold deep meaning or morals, they still need to entertain and captivate the reader in order for the reader to be interested. Something is interesting = you're interested. Duh. Nobody's going to care about a book if it's not intriguing or relevant to them. And they're also not going to enjoy reading it.

I'm not even going to belabour how important good writing is in a good book, because it's pretty straightforward: You write poorly, your book's not going to be very good. Before you say anything, ladies and gentlemen, 50 Shades and Twilight are POPULAR. They're not widely considered to be GOOD. Sometimes consumer society is moronic. Look at reality television.

Now, I don't have the magic formula or exact definition of what makes a book great and sets it apart from books that are simply good. That issue is too complex, individual and dependent on specific people's preferences to be concluded with a definite answer. But from what I've seen, and what I've experienced myself, is that truly great books give us something to connect with. They're relevant to life and humanity, they can make valid and true observations about the world we live in, and they can make us think.

But it's really all an adventure! The only way you're going to find out if a book is good or great or terrible is if you read it. Because everybody's definition of those categories is completely different, be it because of standards, or preferences or just plain old I-like-it-ness. That's what's so fantastic about books.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Life They've Set For Me to Live

Life can be frustrating. Society, especially when you're young, tries to dictate your path in life as a very narrow road that must be taken at maximum speed and best possible precision. "When you graduate, you must become an adult immediately and get an education and then a job and then become successful. It wouldn't be politically correct anymore to tell you that you should also have a big happy family at the same time, but when you get there you'll naturally want to do so, everybody does. And you must choose a sensible profession that benefits society and makes you lots of money otherwise you will be a homeless loser bum who will never be happy."

Sometimes, it makes me want to just run away from it all. Maybe the homeless loser bums are happier for not having the worries of normal, employed, home-owning people. They don't have to struggle with getting enough money to fund their ridiculously expensive education. They've made their peace with simply not having any money. Of course, living on the street is in no way a pleasant experience.

But, honestly, graduation is already starting to terrify me (it's just the second weekend!!!!). I've always had school in my life, I have no experience living in a world where my purpose isn't going to school. After this year, my purpose will have to be being able to go to school, and after that it will be slaving to scrape together a living. And by a living I mean maybe lunch money. (I want to be a writer or actor. I mean come on.)

But I really do sometimes want to just abandon all that thinking and make my own success somehow. This is why I wish with a burning passion that I could be a professional vlogger on YouTube or be on webshows or be a successful blogger (hahaHAHAAA...ha). I wish I could just do something I love passionately as a career. But the thing about all three of those crazy dreams is that it takes a lot of time to build up a reputation or break out. Time which I already have limited amounts of, and will have even less once I graduate and have to go out in life.

That, actually is one of the many reasons I started this blog. Because maybe, just maybe, I could someday establish a sort of online presence and through that possibly attain opportunities to do things I love more often and more conveniently or realistically. For now, this is just a casual thing that benefits no one but myself, but maybe at some point my blog could turn into something more. And so that's why I'm going to try to create as good a level of content as I can. At this point, of course, it's moot, because I have virtually no readers, and the kind of things I want to do are really meant for a larger audience, but, you know, someday. Maybe. For now, it's fun to pretend.

This blog post had no real purpose, structure or focus. My inner rigorously trained essay writer is dying a slow and painful death. Maybe in the future I should actually get my thoughts straightened out and the write the post all in one go. Ha. I crack myself up.

But today, it's time to hang out with my best friend! (and only reader...) We have loads of shenanigans planned intended, and some of those are bloggable! So there might be some pictures later on... although I'm not sure of what. Probably baking.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

To Believe in Something Worth the Fight

So the past little while (what has it been, like 48 hours?) has not been the most fun. You know, obviously they could be a lot worse, but I'm not exactly having the time of my life either.

After my last post, I basically spent the afternoon alternately dealing with my feelings and droning them out (besides watching terrible TV, blasting Marina and the Diamonds and playing solitaire is an excellent way to do this). I talked to my best friend and another really good friend about it and since then have been largely ignoring the issue in order to get over it. Because getting over it is really the only option, unfortunately.

The next morning was also not great. I thought I had a free period first thing in the morning, so my alarm was set to go off a bit later than usual anyway. Because of this, I woke up to a text from my best friend (the one I mentioned before... I have three) saying I'd already missed 15 minutes of chamber choir and I needed to get there ASAP or I would be out. Here's the problem: I had no idea we were having a meeting that morning. In fact, I didn't even know whether I was in or not until she texted me that I was missing it. So yesterday morning was interesting. After running around and begging my mom to drive me as soon as possible, I did finally get to the music room... but by that time I was 45 minutes late. Luckily, my teacher forgave me when I explained what happened. I have her for orchestra as well, so she already knows me.

That evening, we had a Rangers meeting which went downhill. Suffice it to say there was a discussion which entailed confusion, anger and resentful undertones. This was strange because nothing like it had ever happened before (even though us teenage girls have been having meetings for 4 years now...) and because I didn't know the context of the issue. Anyway, that was unpleasant.

But today was a little better! Well, in hindsight, anyway. Besides my alarm not going off in the morning and then having pain issues during the day, I had a really nice afternoon! Again, some blasting Marina and solitaire (less about distraction this time) but also some hanging out with my friend, baking cookies, and mocking Glee together. That show really is ridiculously transparent.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Sleeping in, 1984 discussion in English, work... Good things are in store. Now I just have to pray that life doesn't screw it up again.
(post title from Lies by Marina and the Diamonds)

Monday, September 10, 2012

What does a student of Literature look like?


Well, they wear knee socks, pleated skirts or ironed trousers, crisp, clean shirts and Tommy Hilfiger sweaters. If wanting to accessorize, they can only wear ties.

No, wait… that’s not right. That just calls to mind an extremely conservative boarding-school student whose father plays golf. That is not the kind of student that you’d want in your lit class. I mean, I’ve had 5 classes so far and half our time has been spent considering existentialism and human nature. That might frighten the tweed-jacketed sheep.

In all seriousness, that’s not even what the question is asking. And if you’re wondering, I was asked this question. We had to answer it on our first or second day of Lit, along with other questions. (What is literature? How/Why does literature appear? What is “good” literature? What value does literature have? If these pique your interest, have at it in the comments!) To answer this question, I tried to draw on my own strengths, interests and ~ideals and also on what it was that made me interested in taking literature and what I think will help me in my studies.

So what was my answer? Well, for one, it was kind of long. But at the same time, I listed my criteria and didn’t really elaborate or explain. So that’s what I shall do now.

A student of literature wants to read. This seems pretty self-explanatory, but it goes deeper than just that. Wanting to read includes learning about reading. This is not to say grade 12 students headed out into the world need to be taught how to read, Heaven forbid. What I mean is that lit students should want to be informed about all the books worth reading that they can get their hands and time (let’s face it, that’s the biggest hurdle) on. There are so many good books and stories and poems and movies out there! Really, if you’re interested in literature, you should want to consume and learn more about as many of these as possible. Learning about reading also means learning about how to read better, notice more things, draw connections, recognize symbolism and references. Every now and then, when reading the work of a really good writer, I go “holy crap, there’s so much here! Every sentence, every word, is infused with meaning!” Analyzing writing and noticing ideas is essential to studying literature, so obviously a lit student has to be interested and open to it.

In a classroom, a lit student has to be open to and curious about ideas and opinions. You'll never learn very much if you don't engage in discussion with others and are willing to consider their ideas, point of view, and perspective.

Also, everybody has those books or parts of literature that they're not interested in. But you know what? They're important, too. Because while you're not paying attention, there may be an important concept that is important later, like in other books or works. And who knows? Maybe you'll find something interesting in all that boring stuff, after all! Either way, disinterest is not worth slacking off over. If somebody considered it relevant enough to assign, it's probably at least a bit important.

You know what takes a lot of time? Like, A LOT? Reading. SO if you're in this, you have to put time and effort towards it. Don't skip over stuff, don't sparknote books. Well, not instead of reading. Researching books once you've read them, however, can be very helpful.

And the last point I put down was being respectful. That means being respectful towards other people and their opinions, the stories and works you're reading, and the materials you're using. (Most of the time the books you're using aren't yours. Don't break them. My inner bibliophile would cry and possibly punch you. So would your librarian.)

I do think there is other criteria, but this is mine. I'd like to mention that I do have passions beside books, so stay tuned for those things! In fact, I have my first theatre company meeting of the schoolyear tomorrow, so I'll probably be squealing about that. New year, new teacher, new cast, new plays... It should be interesting. There's a lot of variables, but we usually seem to figure things out.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Dangerous Girl in the Sweater Vest

School is back in! And because apparently I don't have enough on my hands during my grad year (!), I've decided to start a blog. I'd like to think I'll be more dedicated this time as opposed to my previous attempts, especially since I've got quite a few ideas! I'm thinking deep thoughts about literature, people! High School angst! No, seriously, I have actual ideas. I'm just waiting for them to develop into coherent thoughts.
The only problem is that I do have quite a lot on my plate: Homework, trying to get into uni, scholarship applications, my job (at a bookstore, yes, it's fantastic), the school theatre company (expect reports on this later on), orchestra, probably choir and also the fact that I'm gradding this year and my life is already pretty hectic just one week into school. The good news is that I have a free period every day, so when I don't have homework I'm hoping to be able to dedicate time to this. I even got a laptop-friendly backpack this year! I really like our school library so I'm really just dying to have another excuse to spend even more time there... But seriously, I actually do enjoy being there. It's my inner bibliophile that forces me to be happy in spaces with lots of books and knowledge. (Again, I really love my job)
But yes! I believe perhaps I should mention something about myself. Um. I'm terrible at this.
I suppose I could start with some facts: I'm in my last year of high school. My hair is blonde and extremely short because I shaved it for cancer research in the spring. I play the violin. I... ack. I really am terrible at this.
Well, OK. Let's talk about this blog, and, connected to that, my life this year. I'm in a literature class this year, and it's fascinating, so I'll be talking about that quite a bit. You know, drawing on some course work as inspiration for stuff to talk about. My teacher for that class is also really cool, so you might hear about him as well.
In fact, I'll talk a bit about him now. Mr. M is a half-bald originally Italian guy who teaches English, literature and History of Rock 'n' Roll at our school. He talks A LOT. As in, he continuously spoke our entire first class this year. And I mean CONTINUOUSLY. It was a monologue. But he also has some very interesting things to say in between those words, so I don't mind. I could listen to interesting people all day.
On Friday, I hadn't finished my essay by the end of the class and asked him if I could take it home over the weekend. He said it was fine and I made a joke about how I would have easily done it if it had been to pages of normal paper instead of the foolscap he gave use. He chuckled and said "I can see you're a bit of a rebel. I like it." Awesome! I mean, when the History of Rock 'n' Roll teacher tells you you're a rebel, you're doing something right. I was wearing a collared shirt, a floral skirt and a knit vest at the time.
So, I suppose, since I'm introducing myself, that's how I'd like to think of myself: a dangerous girl in a sweater vest.
And since I have nothing else to say, have three lovely people being lovely:
(if anybody has tips on posting/using gifs on Blogger, feel free to share.)