Objects in Motion

I'm not feeling very happy right now.

My first year of university has just ended, and honestly, looking back, it feels like a waste, a giant mistake. Of course I've had great times and made wonderful friends, but right now it feels like even the best parts only make the whole more bearable.

I didn't get anything I wanted. And the worst part is that I know that in both cases, the fault is entirely mine. Both things I wanted - and boy did I want them, more than anything I've ever wanted before except to go home - I missed out on because I didn't recognize my chances when they arose, and I didn't take them enough. All my regret is the result of my own inaction. So that adds an extra layer of self-loathing.

I'm experiencing that very familiar feeling: I feel like I'm at the really bad part of a nightmare, where everything has gone wrong, and I'm so lost and desperate; the good thing about nightmares is when it gets really bad, I can jerk myself awake and the mistakes and horrors are erased - and I learn my lesson. I wish I could turn back time and redo this whole year, knowing what I did wrong, or what I just didn't do. It's a familiar feeling - I've wished for something similar since 2007, when we moved to Canada.

But this isn't a dream. So how do you move on? What do you do when you wake up in the morning?

I spent a year at university just getting by and have come out of it with practically nothing. I can't pursue my dream, not here, not yet. I can't share my love and happiness and passion with the wonderful person with whom I wish I could. And I want to come back here, I really do, because this place feels something like home and I could make it so, but how can I live day to day in a place where I'll be reminded every day of my failure, of the things I could have had, but don't?

You can see why I kind of gave up on my university advice videos. I'm the last person who should be talking about that stuff.

The advice I can give is this: Say yes. Do everything. Do it as hard and as well as you can. Never settle for enough. The scarier, the better. If you think you might regret something, that is the thing most worth doing. You'll never regret doing something as much as you'll regret not doing it. Take life by the throat, shake it, and make it yours.

I know that now.

Dealing With Things Is Hard

I'm leaving campus, and the island, far behind me on Tuesday, at least for a few weeks. That includes dealing with schoolwork, thinking about next semester, and my interminable crush. All those things will be out of sight, and therefore hopefully out of mind. But until then, I'm still stuck here for a bit.

And, of course, leaving behind one side of my reality doesn't mean that the world stops being real. Once I'm back at "home", I have to look into what options I have open to me next year, in case I don't want to stay here, which is certainly a possibility. I mean, I love most things about being here, but between my pathetic infatuation, anxiety about what I'm doing with my future, and not even knowing if I'll be able to study acting specifically, my running instinct is in high gear. I came here to run away from my past, from High School and from a city I didn't want to live in. Right now I'm feeling the urge to run away again, but I have no idea what to, and I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's just Cabin Fever. I haven't left the city for a month, and mostly I'm stuck on campus. I'm very ready to get away and spend some time with my closest friends. Maybe when I come back in January, I'll feel better. I'll have to, because I'll be having rehearsals on the weekends so it's looking bad for taking any weekends off all spring. So I'll either have to find some other way to fight the claustrophobia, or become suddenly a lot more contented with my everyday life. Or maybe my second semester will be easier than my first because I'll have had time to get used to things?

One thing I can hold on to is that my best friend Kendra are intending to actually do music things. If it wasn't so unrealistic and difficult, I would drop everything, we would make music together and go on the road to play it for people. But for now, I have to finish at least this second semester, and then we'll be devoting the summer to songwriting and music making. Who knows how that will turn out, but at the very least it'll be fun.

Really I just want to be cool and hip and work as an actor and make music on the side and make videos and have enough money to actually have a nice wardrobe. And travel lots.

So, you know, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

This post is brought to you by Mystery Jets (not really), because this song is so lovely, because it's from my all-time favourite Songza playlist, and because I want Laura Marling's super cool voice.

More comprehensive, life-update-y post coming soon. Apologies to the zero people who read this blog for my extended absence.

Real Talk

It's all getting very real around here.

I've graduated high school. I got two awards worth $500 each and I got my bilingual diploma (French immersion, bro). I had my Grad, with fancy gowns and a limo and too much champagne on an empty stomach. We barrelled through the awkward "this is so cliché" phase, threw aloof hipsterness to the wind and danced our hearts out until we couldn't breathe. It was beautiful, and it was the last time I saw most people in my grad class, and the last time all my friends and I were together. Ever. That's the scary part.

I'm just very used to all of us being in the same place all the time. And there's that safety net of "we'll all be back for holidays" to save you from having to address the fact that you're no longer going to see the people closest to you on a daily basis any more. Which is especially hard because we established a lunchtime routine this past year. It was mostly unspoken and that's what our group friendship was based on and relied on.

But I was the link between two groups of people. I was the reason they didn't avoid each other, the reason my two best friends talked to and were friendly with my other best friend. The reason we all hung out together sometimes. And Grad was the last time that happened. In history.

The very tangible realness of it all is what's hitting me these days; It's paralysing me. Besides my jobs, I'm getting nothing done, I can't plan things properly, and I'm avoiding any actual planning for the fall that needs doing. I'm not even sure what it is that's scaring me so much, I just know it's so very, very absolute, that fear.

And so, I sit around on my brand new computer, playing video games and being generally unsatisfied. (With video games, not my new computer. "Rory" is perfect.)

One thing I have finally accomplished, though, is filming my first vlog. I find myself still putting off posting it. Right now it's the fact that I imply something about somebody dying, and the last thing I want is for people to think I'm talking about Cory Monteith. Heaven knows I feel sorry about it and for Lea Michele, but it didn't impact me personally. But I'm thinking tomorrow I'll upload it. And then I can start promoting it and get it out there and start the tumblr. I'm really excited for that (if you like the music recommendations/features I do on this blog, follow the tumblr cause there'll be loads of those, promise).

So, how to get through paralysis?

I guess the only thing there is to do is take it one day at a time. Start with the small stuff, easy things.

So, tomorrow, what I'll aim to do is:
- Make the header for the Fueled by Young Spirit channel and the twitter
- Upload the video
- Put on the slowcooker for dinner
- Start to go shopping for rain boots, an umbrella and pajamas (Target is opening tomorrow, so that should help). I hope Tee is free so I don't have to face it alone. I hate shopping when I need to do it, and love it when I can't afford it.
- Work out

There. It's in writing. Maybe that means I'll do it all.

Also I really need a new blog layout.


We Are The City's new album Violent is excellent. This is my favourite track, because of the fullness of the sound and it goes along with my preoccupation over "losing" my friends. The band members actually come from the place I live right now. Represent!

this post's illustrations are by this photo-magician lady. I really hope she doesn't mind me using them.

It's Going To Be A Little Robot

Wow, it's been a long time. How is it already April? Time, man.

As expectations would have it, loads of stuff has happened. I just went home to Germany for three weeks in March. There's so much to talk about in that trip, but it's really a very private topic and experience for me. So, that's where I draw the line, I suppose: The internet can read about my panic attacks, romantic attachments, and artistic passions, but not a trip I took to Europe.

There are loads of other things happening, though. Life is kind of crazy at the moment because I'm still trying to catch up on having missed four days of school. Meanwhile, I'm looking into the future as well. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's official: after ages of procrastination and multitudes of nervous breakdowns, I have completed submitting all the things I needed to submit to UBC and UVic. It's a relief to know that for better or for worse, it's out of my hands now. Now it's just time to wait and see what fate has in store for me.


Also, have you noticed that spring is here? (Unless it's not where you are. Sorry about that. I feel you; Germany was super cold all March)

In other news, my directing class is finally coming to a head. After a year of wondering where our teacher had gone off to and learning very little, we're directing 10-minute plays to be performed in something we call "Play Marathon" at our school. I'm actually very excited to pull together my own production, however short it may be. The play I've chosen is called Circuits and it's written by Rachel Lepore. It's funny, it's cute, it has a lot of heart, and it's also angsty. I'm not going to give too much away, because I know the only person who ever reads this blog is going to experience it live. I have to get my butt moving, though, because my Director's Script is due on Wednesday.

As to future plans for this blog, I intend to do some DIY projects this summer once I have more time on my hands, so watch this space for that kind of stuff! Also in the hopefully-not-too-far future, I'll be doing some more internet-y things, possibly involving a camera...??? We'll see how that goes, I'd really love to have that come together and work out. Again, details later.

In music news, I saw Said The Whale on Wednesday! I haven't seen them live in what seems like forever, and they played some new music as well. I got a shirt, which I've wanted to do every time they were in town, but never did. I'm looking forward to seeing them a lot more frequently if I move to Vancouver. IF that's where I get accepted.

Today's song is brought to you by Ben Worcester's amazing performance of it on Wednesday. (hey look, this one's live, too!)


(This post's illustration shamelessly has no source. It's naked. What a scandalous illustration. Put some clothes on, illustration, we're both tired.)

Arson

I have a problem.

It's called confrontation.

Mostly, it presents itself when somebody asks me something about myself that I haven't actively determined yet.

"What's your favourite book? Favourite movie? What's the nicest place you've visited?"

And suddenly I blank. I am an illiterate bookstore worker who's never even seen a video and who has never left her house. I literally have no recollection of any book, movie or place I've ever experienced. Actually.

And in situations like that, I can mostly blow it off as, "Oh, you know, there are still so many books I want to read, as a bookstore worker it's really hard because you'll never have enough time... Oh, I just like movies in general, I quite liked [most recently released movie title]... Well, I've really been all over the place..."

Applications? Not so easy to do that.

I don't think I've ever known a phrase so horrible and terrifying as DESCRIBE YOURSELF TO THE COMMITTEE. That's a terrible question. I hate the committee. I do not want the committee to know me. The committee can't HANDLE the truth. Fight the man.

Of course, not only do I have to talk about myself (ugh), I have to make myself sound fancy (double ugh) and good (not possible. Also, ugh). Quite a few scholarships hang on this.

Arson is sounding like a really nice option.

No seriously, on top of all this, they want me to "include a description of your passions and motivations and explain how they relate to your educational plans and goals."

Kill me.

"I am        um           ...       ...uh.

I can't even come up with a mock/informal/joke description of myself. I literally cannot talk about myself. I can maybe force myself to talk about my experiences, something very, very specific about myself or put a lot of myself into a character. But describing myself or talking about myself is actually not possible. I simply don't know how.

I was hoping that writing would get... I don't know, something rolling. But no such luck.

We Must Away / Ere Break Of Day

I have now seen the Hobbit three times. Of course, each time was amazing. What I love about watching movies over and over again, especially with movies with as much detail as Unexpected Journey, is being able to focus more on the little details, the aesthetic, the things happening in the background that only serve as ambiance on the first viewing.

Of course, this time Sir Ian McKellen gave me an aha-moment. Because of course Ian McKellen would give me feels in the middle of a magical fights scene. He's just that good.

Let me lay the scene:

The dwarves have been captured by the goblins and are facing the enormous blob of a Great Goblin (and I have to say that despite the gross cyst-chin, I think Barry Humphries' voice acting was very good). They've been beaten down, searched and unarmed by the mass of ugly creatures around them, and none of the dwarves, not even Thorin, seem to be able to see a way out of this mess they're in. In fact, they look like they're not even putting up a fight anymore. Most of them have just resigned themselves to having the crap kicked out of them and are really just waiting for the torture machines to get there. Even Thorin Oakenshield, bravest of all dwarves, looks thoroughly beaten and hopeless.

And suddenly, a burst of light. Light and silence. It's breathtaking and beautiful, so pure and strong it knocks all the goblins and the dwarves off their feet. In the middle of the light and silence, we see the silhouette of Gandalf, holding his staff in one hand and his sword, the Foe-hammer, in the other. He doesn't look relaxed like his normal self, but he's not poised for grueling battle, either. He looks powerful and wise and nobody could ignore him. He looks like some nearly divine power come from a greater place.

And out of his mouth come the words:

Take arms! Fight! Fight!

The first two times I saw this, I loved this scene and it touched something in me, but I could never quite pinpoint what it was. This time I realized why it resonated so profoundly with me.

At this point in my life, I'm in a position where I have to constantly look to the future. That scares me. I don't want to settle for a normal life, I want to achieve things, I want to be something, I want to be happy and I want to feel that I've actively earned my happiness. Right now I don't know how to do those things. I have my own demons to face, some from my past, some from my self and some from anxiety about my future. And I think it's important for me to recognize that I do have anxiety about my future, and about my past. Not to a diagnosable degree, but it's certainly present in me and the way I feel about and deal with things. I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders, a lot of pressures, expectations, doubts and obstacles, metaphorical goblins kicking me in the side and beating me down until I'm lying there, completely hopeless.

I desperately want to defeat those demons. I often tell myself to never settle, to do everything I can to achieve the happiness and the dreams I want to fulfill, but it's hard, especially with all the odds against you, as they are predisposed to be.

That's why the image of Gandalf imploring the dwarves to fight is so powerful to me. He's telling them to get up, to take arms and shake of the goblins holding them down. Furthermore, he's telling them to fight their way out of the mountain. The entire time they're escaping, they're running headfirst into their enemies and fighting through them.

The way Gandalf says those words is so vehement and determined. It inspires me. He's not saving them. He's throwing them straight into the danger and telling them to stand proudly and do their best. He doesn't say anything about where they have to go or where they will be safe. He's simply telling them that they have to try. Because damn it all if they get hurt or they never get to the end. It's still better than if they hadn't tried.

So from now on, whenever I find myself weak or unresolved or afraid, I can think of Gandalf's words and feel encouraged. And I can think of the greatness of both Gandalf and Sir Ian McKellen, and I can try and fight my way through the goblins, out of the Misty Mountains, to the hope of reaching for my own greatness.

A Desperate Cry into the Vast Space of my own Insignificance

It's early admission application time at UBC this month. I have to get to work on it today because I don't have a whole lot of time before December 10, which is when it's due.

This is terrifying.

I am terrified.

Out of my mind.

I'm facing my entire future. I have to decide what I want to do, where I want to go and nobody will give me a straight answer when I ask for information or advice. All I hear all the time is "follow your dream/happiness". I'm 17. How the HELL am I supposed to know what my dream is, not to mention how to follow it?! People expect me to start being an adult, but I have no idea how to do that and nobody will tell me. How am I supposed to suddenly know how to be an adult without having ever been one before? How do I face the world and my life when I don't know what it looks like or where it is?



Another scary part of this is that I'm facing a change similar to the one that destroyed me a few years ago. Once again, I'm faced with leaving every comfort and everything I know and love behind and facing an entirely new life. This time, I'll be completely alone, without even my mother to guide me. I'm still not even out of the emotional wreckage of the last big move, and probably never will be, and now I have to move on again.

As ever, I am a mess of contradictions. I'm terrified of change, of moving on, of leaving things behind and of being forgotten. And yet I have one of the greatest escape/running away/avoidance instincts you'll ever encounter. When confronted with difficulty, struggle or emotion, I tend to run the other way like my life depends on it. And in those moments, it does seem like my life, my very being, depends on it. Depends on my ability to prevent damage, to preserve myself and shield myself from the world.

It's ironic that I'm starting to feel that way about my life currently. I'm very emotionally invested here, and there are a lot of things I find myself needing to escape from, to remove myself from. And yet, the way that I can escape requires me to face my future. I'm kind of stuck between two giant walls, and can't go sideways, and I'm panicking.

As much as I want to leave, though, there are some things here that I know I can't live without. I completely depend on certain things here, most significantly my three best friends. I know this for a fact. A little while ago, two of them were gone for a week, and I nearly imploded. I don't know what I would have done if Tee hadn't been there. I got anxious, stressed out and could actually barely function. Losing that support in 8 months is even harder to face than leaving Germany was when I was still there, because now I'm consciously aware of how much I rely on it and what losing it will do to me.




This song goes well with this post because I went to see Windmills in concert recently and when he played this song, I got overwhelmed with exactly the feelings that this post is about. Live music is incredibly powerful.

The illustrations on this post are photos by him and her.

Leaping to a Thousand Fires

Recently, I've been struggling to keep up with things. There always seems to be something else that needs doing, more work I haven't finished yet. I have a list of 5 books that I need to read, two of them are library books, one is for class and another is my best friend's. In fact, the only book I own is the one I'm reading right now and really don't need to be putting first: The Diviners. But alas! I have practically no time to read! When I'm not at rehearsal (which is just sitting around being bored, really, but I need to be there) I have homework, and when I'm done with that I need to clean up the mess that continues to pile up, and after that I need to catch up on the sleep I'm missing.

The problem here, of course, is that what I'm doing is trying to stay on top of things. I'm putting out fires. I'm getting assignments done the night before they're due and I'm only managing to clear enough stuff out of my room so that I can see my floor. There's a constant queue of things ahead of me on my to-do list and I feel like I'm always forgetting yet another thing that should be on that list. Sometimes, I do forget. Within the past one and a half weeks, I've had my dad come to pick me up twice, only to drive straight back home because I forgot to tell him I wasn't going somewhere. It's those kinds of little things that just keep slipping through my grasp, and it's frustrating, because I feel bad (because it's affecting other people and/or it's not being done) and because I'm scared that one of these days, what I forget about will be something huge and devastatingly major. And especially this year, I can't afford for anything like that to happen.

Speaking of which, that's my other problem. In being consumed by the mundane, immediate things, I don't have any energy or time left for bigger things, like keeping track of scholarship deadlines and university application dates. This year I need to be thinking about my future, but how can I do that when all I'm able to do is face one week at a time? I can't build a bridge while putting out fires.

In a rare bout of screw-everything-I-need-time-to-not-do-anything recently, I watched Moulin Rouge! and LOVED it. It's fantastically done all around, but I must say this was my absolute favourite part:

The arrangement is perfect, the singing is awesome, the acting is heartbreaking, and the staging is spectacular. As the movie's climax, it's many people's favourite. It just blows my mind. And Jacek Koman's powerful, gravelly voice is wonderful and really perfect in this. It could never have been as good without his singing. Plus Ewan McGregor is a babe. But everyone already knew that.

I'm thinking of putting music at the end of my posts more often. It's fun. This one is a video because it's equally stunning visually as it is in terms of music.

I Should Be Sleeping, Or Working

So. It's almost 1 am and I work this morning. I make good choices. Luckily my shift starts at 11, so I can afford to stay up a little while longer, just long enough to write this post.

I was in Vancouver over the weekend. It was really nice and fun to be there, especially since I intend to make it my home in less than a year (yikes). We did a lot, and my mom even consented to go shopping. She actually bought stuff for herself. A lot of stuff. Of course, I had my mandatory visit at Zelen, and got a pair of sneakers. I also got a pair of boots, and a bunch of other things I needed. I do so love fall. Downtown Vancouver is lovely, and I love the kinds of people you see there. The biggest problem is that you'll never be as stylish as the asian people who hang out there. It's true; they're all fabulous.

Today yesterday, we went trail riding for an hour. I really liked being on a horse. It comes naturally to me somehow, but much as I'd love to I can't regularly ride. After that, we went to see my cousin's softball game. Soon thereafter I had to get on the plane and head home. My mom is staying down at the Coast the whole week, but I had to head back last night already because I work today. And then, you know, school. Whatever.

The big giant elephant-in-the-room-that-is-my-mind problem is that I got practically nothing done on my big grad project. I brought my laptop down with me and everything, and I really did try, but I think I wrote maybe two paragraphs. I hate my work ethic, or rather lack thereof. There's no way I'm going to get it done by Wednesday, especially because today and Tuesday are already full anyway. I just really hope my teacher expects some of them to be late. I mean, it's ridiculous that he's expecting it to be handed in now, when the actual presentation is sometime in November. I'll probably try and do as much as possible tonight (monday evening), even though I have Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's to go to (yaaaaay...). Sleep is for the weak, as they say. And by they, I mean I. I say that. A lot.

Man, if I had the time and somebody to take pictures of me without thinking I'm loony, I would totally do some sort of style post with some of the clothes I've gotten recently. #amateurbloggerproblems

God, I wish it was a year from now, with me at University and grad over and done with.

Expect more bloggy things later this week, when I actually have time to write about some stuff I actually want to write about. Philosophical, think-y stuff. It all depends on how quickly I can get my work done. And how distracted I get. But I'll try to restrict that last one.

Lullaby For An Anxious Child

It would seem that today is an anxious day. I get these every once in a while. They're days where everything seems doomed and I question everything: My situation, my achievements, my life goals, the way I look. Usually I manage to lie to myself enough to mask those doubts (Oh yeah, sure, going into theatre is a great plan! You can do it! Leaving this really long project to a week before it's due is fiiine. No, you're not overloading yourself with work, you have GREAT work ethic, you can do it all. Oh no, you can totally go to school with barely any makeup, your skin doesn't look that bad. It's just because you haven't found the right guy, they're all immature douchebags anyway...), but on days like this, it just seems like the world is going to come crashing down around me. Because, I might as well face it, I'm graduating, and when I graduate, the world pretty much is going to come crashing down. I'll be responsible for my own future, even though I don't even want to face it and it terrifies me. I'll have to fend for my own in life, and nobody's really going to be right there to care about me or for me. The people who will care will have enough of their own problems to deal with. I really do hope I can go to Vancouver with Tee next school year, but she's going to have her own issues to deal with when we're there.

And good God! It's October! There's so much that needs doing! I have a big project due on the 10th that's about exactly this, actually, except I have to pretend that I know how my future is going to fall into place. I have to work on my Halloween costume and there's only a month and a half before the opening night of the Secret in the Wings. Scholarship applications are due, and some Universities are already saying you need to apply! I need to get forms signed by my boss. I have to deal with obliterating a crush I have on a friend I barely see anymore.

And then there's Em, my best friend, with a shining future ahead of her! She knows exactly where she wants to go, and she will go there, because she's ridiculously good and dedicated to her schoolwork and because she can go there with a speed skating scholarship, or at least speed skate at the same time. She's taking a bajillion courses, is reading Mein Kampf for crying out loud, trains something like twice a day and somehow still has a functioning social life. And here I am, Lazy McSlothPants, who can barely talk to strangers, especially male ones, who has no idea how she's ever going to make it in the world. And somehow we're friends.

My other two best friends might not be as ridiculously hard-working as Em. But Tee knows that she wants to go into filmmaking, the side of it that actually pays and has some job stability, and she knows what school she wants to go to. She's really studious and gets stuff done. (I know you're reading this. It's true. As far as I know, you also don't have ridiculous crushes on boys who don't look at you twice.) And Kendra is going into psychology. And I know she'll make it, because she somehow always does.

Somehow I've already let myself slack off again. At the beginning of the year I was extremely gung-ho and determined not to let anything come in the way of doing the best I can. Somehow that focus has shifted again. But it's my last chance, and I need to get myself back on track. So you might see some more evidence of me trying to do that from now on.

Long-term, I'm seriously considering dropping out of grad council. I won't have time to help out with the events they're responsible for and my biggest incentive for staying is that it might look good on applications for University or for scholarships. But it's really not all that important and I need to focus on other things. I also need to think about going on a sort-of hiatus from tumblr for a while, or at least put some strict limitations on how much I use it. I'll miss it like crazy, but it's too much of a distraction and I'll still be using it a little. I've also thought about quitting Orchestra, but I just can't face that.

This week, I need to spend my free time doing any homework I have (prioritized by how soon it's due) and when I'm done that, work on my big project and/or apply to scholarships. When I'm satisfyingly done those things, I have to clean up my room, most specifically my clothes. And when I've done all those things, I can spend my time reading, blogging or doing something active. I can only spend 15 minutes at a time on tumblr, with a total of an hour a day. The exception to these restrictions is when there's a new episode of specific shows on (Castle, Downton Abbey, Once Upon A Time... That's it. I was going to say Doctor Who but that's over, waaaaahhhh).

The Life They've Set For Me to Live

Life can be frustrating. Society, especially when you're young, tries to dictate your path in life as a very narrow road that must be taken at maximum speed and best possible precision. "When you graduate, you must become an adult immediately and get an education and then a job and then become successful. It wouldn't be politically correct anymore to tell you that you should also have a big happy family at the same time, but when you get there you'll naturally want to do so, everybody does. And you must choose a sensible profession that benefits society and makes you lots of money otherwise you will be a homeless loser bum who will never be happy."

Sometimes, it makes me want to just run away from it all. Maybe the homeless loser bums are happier for not having the worries of normal, employed, home-owning people. They don't have to struggle with getting enough money to fund their ridiculously expensive education. They've made their peace with simply not having any money. Of course, living on the street is in no way a pleasant experience.

But, honestly, graduation is already starting to terrify me (it's just the second weekend!!!!). I've always had school in my life, I have no experience living in a world where my purpose isn't going to school. After this year, my purpose will have to be being able to go to school, and after that it will be slaving to scrape together a living. And by a living I mean maybe lunch money. (I want to be a writer or actor. I mean come on.)

But I really do sometimes want to just abandon all that thinking and make my own success somehow. This is why I wish with a burning passion that I could be a professional vlogger on YouTube or be on webshows or be a successful blogger (hahaHAHAAA...ha). I wish I could just do something I love passionately as a career. But the thing about all three of those crazy dreams is that it takes a lot of time to build up a reputation or break out. Time which I already have limited amounts of, and will have even less once I graduate and have to go out in life.

That, actually is one of the many reasons I started this blog. Because maybe, just maybe, I could someday establish a sort of online presence and through that possibly attain opportunities to do things I love more often and more conveniently or realistically. For now, this is just a casual thing that benefits no one but myself, but maybe at some point my blog could turn into something more. And so that's why I'm going to try to create as good a level of content as I can. At this point, of course, it's moot, because I have virtually no readers, and the kind of things I want to do are really meant for a larger audience, but, you know, someday. Maybe. For now, it's fun to pretend.

This blog post had no real purpose, structure or focus. My inner rigorously trained essay writer is dying a slow and painful death. Maybe in the future I should actually get my thoughts straightened out and the write the post all in one go. Ha. I crack myself up.

But today, it's time to hang out with my best friend! (and only reader...) We have loads of shenanigans planned intended, and some of those are bloggable! So there might be some pictures later on... although I'm not sure of what. Probably baking.